kduce.com

Just as a follow up to my last post…  See this article here on the Heigl & Kutcher movie Killers.  The studio is not releasing this movie to critics before its release.  You know what that means?  It means that the movie (as I predicted) is terrible and the studio knows it.  This is a spineless strategy that some studios use.  Their talking heads will say it’s because they want viewers to make up their own mind rather than having critics make up their mind for them.  Well, if they thought the movie was even worth a C grade, they’d let the critics see it.  K-Duce is the Nostradamus of movies. Heigle’s day are numbered on the big screen… Big time.

Hello folks.  It has been way too long.  I have been preoccupied with many things and my blog has suffered greatly.  Anyway, I have had a couple thoughts lately that I wanted to share with you.  So without further adieu, here goes…

Has anyone seen the commercial for the new Katherine Heigl movie with Ashton Kutcher?  It’s called Killers and it looks absolutely brutal.  Take a look. Her next movie, Life As We Know It sounds equally as bad.  Aside from her role in the mostly overrated but solid enough movie Knocked Up, her movies can all be classified as pitiful fluff.  That’s was leads me to this question.  Is Heigl destined to be the female version of David Caruso?  You remember Caruso.  He’s the guy who left a big time TV show to epically fail as a movie star.  Looking in my crystal ball I see the same fate for Heigl.  Maybe she will be able to resurrect her career at a later date with another goofy network TV show where she will be known more for cheasy one-liners than any kind of acting chops.  By the way, Kutcher and Heigl making a movie together is the equivalent of G.W. Bush and Sarah Palin making a baby together, probably going to come out thoughtless and simple minded.

#

There is a pizza spot in San Francisco called Pizza Orgasmica.  They have special pizzas with names such as “Doggy Style”, “Menage a Trois” and “Hot Mamma” to name a few.  The pictures painted on the walls of their three locations are all Adam and Eve inspired; a naked couple in the Garden of Eden feeding each other pizza.  Basically harmless stuff, but you get the theme.  What gets me is the ad campaign.  They have people moaning and groaning while eating the pizza in the comercial, basically having simulated orgasms with some sexy voiced chick saying the tag line, “we never fake it”.  I have had the pizza by the way; it’s ok but the only bodily function it induced was something that you probably don’t have any interest hearing about.  I don’t see how the commercial does anything to make anyone want to go there.  If their pizza did induce an orgasm, would you really want to be sitting there at the restaurant eating it in front of people?  Play this scenario out in your head.  You’re bighting in to that “Hot Mamma” pie with sausage, pineapple and peppers and all the sudden it hits you.  “Oh god, oh god”, you say… “It’s so good, that sausage is so spicy…” Then “ahhh shit… umm, I got to get out of here guys.  Is there a Gap around here, I need to pick up some boxer shorts.”    Awkward, right?  And how appetizing is it to be watching and hearing the ecstasy of your friends and all of the strangers (who definitely come in all shapes and sizes) while you’re trying to enjoy a slice?  So yeah, I would go with a different strategy here.  I mean if the pizza was good enough to induce an orgasm, I would think they would be better served advertising for their home delivery.  You’d have to think they could make a killing there.

#

A common topic on this blog throughout the years has been how disgusting the bathrooms in my office are.  There are the unflushed urinals, people not washing their hands and various other things.  What still kills me the most is the pissing on the toilet seats.  There are good size wall barriers between urinals, so I don’t get why people pee in the toilet stalls anyway.  Well some do, and I caught one of the culprits the other day red… well not red handed, but you get where I’m going.  So a coworker and I suspected this one dude for a while.  We just noticed odd bathroom behavior out of him.  I was in there the other day standing at the urinal, when I noticed a pair of shoes under the wall pointing the wrong direction.  Standing and facing the toilet.  I hear no flush or anything, the door just opens and our #1 suspect walks out of the bathroom.  No hand wash or anything.  No one else was in the bathroom, so I figured this would be a good time to get to the bottom of the issue.  I opened the stall door, and what did I see?  Piss all over the seat.  I mean all over it.  You know what?  If you don’t feel comfortable going to the bathroom in the urinals and you need some more privacy, that’s fine.  Just lift up the damn seat when you go.  You can do it with your foot.  I was sick of it.  Something had to be done.  I didn’t want to say anything to him because he is already a weird dude, and I figure if he’s willing to pee all over toilet seats than he could be capable of many other horrible things.  I don’t want to be on his bad side.  I also didn’t want to put an anonymous note on his desk because in fairness, he’s probably not the only offender.  I did the only reasonable thing I could think of, I put signs up in every toilet stall.  The sign is inoffensive, it reads something along the lines of, “IF YOU ARE GOING TO USE THE BATHROOM IN HERE PLEASE LIFT UP THE SEAT (you can easily do this with your foot) OR CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF WHEN YOU ARE DONE.  OTHER PEOPLE SHOULD NOT HAVE TO DO THIS FOR YOU.  IT’S KINDA GROSS”.  I tried to keep it somewhat on the down low when I was putting them up, but one of the HR guys walked in as I was doing it.  He didn’t see exactly what I was doing, but could tell I was up to something.  Anyway, the signs have been well received. Considering that my days at this company are likely numbered, after five grueling years I feel like I have finally made my mark and a difference at this place.  As for the seat pisser, I am not sure what his reaction was or if he has paid the signs any mind, but I am yet to see any pee on the seats since I took action.  Your welcome!

#

Its funny google searches time!  As a reminder, I have a tracking tool which allows me to see what people searched for that got them to my site.  These are actual things that people typed in to google that eventually led them to kduce.com.  I have bolded the exact word for word searches.  This one I like, because it comes from something I wrote a long while ago, “purpose of non lubricated condom”.  Someone wanted to know.  I did too, that’s why I wrote about it.  Still no one has been able to tell me.  Here’s another curious google searcher who had a question, “whats the movie where robert downey jr gives a guy head for coke”.  I don’t know if that actually happened in a movie.  I am pretty sure that was real life.  One more person had a question for google, “what were the brand of boots M Streep had on in its complicated”.  I love the fact someone was trying to find this out and ended up getting to my site where I have some very unflattering things to say about the movie.  Here is someone who just had a statement that they wanted to make, “jimmy johnson extenze what a fucking loser”.  I hate calling Jimmy a loser for trying to make a buck; in fact I think his participation in the commercial shows guts and confidence.  None the less, it was pretty hilarious.

#

Hey, I am as big of a Matt Damon fan as the next guy…  He’s one of the best actors we have right now.  All I am saying is, I am getting a little tired of seeing him getting chased around by secret international agencies.  First there were the Bourn movies, then Green Zone.  Now we have The Adjustment Bureau.  Here’s the trailer.  Matt, aren’t you getting tired of all this running around?  How about casting someone else in one of these every so often to give Matt some well deserved rest?  I am not hatin’ on you Matt, I just think that you need a breather.  Maybe your boy Kevin Smith can get you hooked up in some comedy where you don’t really do much; just sit around and talk about stuff that used to be funny.  I don’t know…

#

There is a Miller Light commercial out there where a guy walks in to a bar with a purse.  The hot bartender gives him the business and he explains that it’s not a purse, it’s a carry-all.  Now anyone who was an avid Seinfeld watcher knows that this joke was blatantly stolen from an episode in which Jerry walks around with a purse that he describes as a carry-all (check it).  This is one of the main reasons I hate advertisers.  I see old jokes stolen and put on commercials all the time.  Why do companies pay ad agencies to steal jokes from old TV shows?  Sometimes I feel that most advertising copyrighters are just hacks that can’t cut it writing anything original.  Can’t Miller Light find some scrub in whatever department who watches a lot of TV and ask him for some funny old jokes that he’s scene and just build a commercial out of it?  It would save them a ton of money and put these hacks out of business.  If there is one thing I hate, it’s a joke thief.  See my letter to Jimmy Fallon from 9/30/09. 

#

Quick story.  I was standing outside of a bar the other day to make a phone call.  This dude rolled up on a bike and asked me if I could watch it for a minute.  I must look like someone who can be trusted, because how does he know I wouldn’t jump on it and bolt.  I didn’t by the way.  So, I said sure.  I didn’t mind watching it even though he did interrupt my phone conversation.  That wasn’t the problem.  The problem was the spandex he was wearing.  Dude!  You’re not in the fucking Tour De France.  Easy on the spandex.  You’re not competing in a race or even on some crazy marathon bike ride.  It looked to me like he was cruising around running errands.  Would it hurt to at least maybe put a pair of shorts on over the spandex pants so we can’t tell if you’ve been circumcised or not?  It’s offensive.

#

I know that was a long one, but it’s been a while and had some things to get off my chest.  Thanks for coming by and hopefully I can get back on top of this thing again.

I watched the Bird & Magic documentary on HBO last night.  If you are a basketball fan at all I would recommend checking it out.  You can get it On Demand and HBO will be showing it off and on for a while so plug it in to your Tivo.  Aside from just being about how great each player was it’s about their complicated relationship and how their careers and playing styles mirrored each other.  I had no idea that Larry Bird’s father killed himself and how difficult of a life he led until becoming an NBA player.  I really wish that I appreciated him more when he was playing.  I always rooted against him, and I’ll admit it was probably because he was white.  The documentary touches on this.  Boston was always considered somewhat of a racist city and because many of the Celtics stars of the time were white, they were very easy to root against.  None of this was Bird’s fault.  The documentary explains how he was basically color blind and paid no attention to the “great white hope” label that he was tagged with.  He didn’t care.  He was just a damn good basketball player known mostly as a shooter by the laymen, but was also an amazing rebounder and one of the best passers the game has ever seen.  I was more familiar with Magic’s story.  He wasn’t my favorite player and I never liked the Lakers, but I always admired him.  When I found out he was HIV positive, it’s one of those moments that I will never forget where I was like the 1989 Earthquake and 9/11.  I was a freshman in high school and it was just after one of my football games which I am assuming was a loss.  I was strolling off of the field when my Dad told me.  I remember breaking in to tears.  I didn’t totally understand why and at the time didn’t totally understand the difference between HIV and AIDS.  I thought that we were all going to be forced to watch the greatest point guard in history shrivel up and die before our eyes.  Luckily that didn’t happen.  Watching them recap this moment during the documentary choked me up a bit.  Anyway, these two guys changed the NBA and may have saved it from going the way of the NHL.  And if you’re not a basketball fan, it may still be worth the watch for the Arsenio Hall sighting and Bryant Gumbel thinking he’s a badass during one of the interviews.

Hello everyone.  I only have a few things for you today, but I wanted to get through them before I forget. 

I saw ex-championship football coach and current commentator Jimmie Johnson on a commercial last night… for Extenze.  If you aren’t familiar with this product, watch the advertisement and it’ll become immediately obvious.  That’s right; Johnson who has multiple Super Bowl and National Championship titles as a coach and is currently on one of the most successful NFL pre-game shows is now the pitch man for penis enlargement pills, telling the men of America to, “Go long” with Extenze.  I would have to assume that Jimmie has plenty of money; I really want to know what they had to offer him to do this.  I mean, I would understand Viagra.  He’s an older guy, maybe he’s not getting the punch that he used to down there.  But this is just a little creepy.  Are we supposed to assume that little Jimmie is packing a big Johnson now?  Kinda gross.  And what made Extenze go to Jimmie Johnson to be their pitch guy?  You’d think they’d want to go younger.  Is it because no younger celebrity would set aside their pride to do it?  Or is it because his first and last name have both been used as slang terms for a penis in the past?  In the late nineties a few rappers such as A Tribe Called Quest, The Jungle Brothers and Digital Underground referred to condoms as “jimmie hats”.  And who can forget in The Big Lebowski when Flea was threatening to cut off The Dude’s “johnson”.   Whatever the case may be, this is really weird and apparently Coach Johnson now is appropriately named.

Here’s a question for all the ladies out there.  What’s up with the boots?  Did President Obama pass a law when he got in to office that every chick in the United States had to purchase a pair of big ass boots?  As I am walking around downtown I see more women and girls wearing boots than not.  They could be the Ugg boots, leather boots with all kinds of crazy buckles and straps, suede boots that kinda fold or ruffle up and a lot of the sleek black or brown boots that the business women tend to be more fond of.  I see the boots with skirts, shorts, under slacks and with leggings or jeans tucked in to the top of them.  You may ask yourself; does K-Duce have a weird foot fetish?  Why is he always looking at women’s feet?  Well I’ll answer you.  No, I don’t have a foot fetish.  The overwhelming amount of boots is just plain unavoidable.  I don’t have a problem with the boots; these are just the kinds of things I think about.  I hope Obama doesn’t pass a law that men have to start buying boots.  I’m not really a boot guy.  If I had to buy a pair though, I’d probably get some cowboy boots.  And I would definitely tuck my jeans in them.  There, I’m done.  If there is a record for the most amount of times the word boot was put in to a paragraph, I think I probably just landed at least in the top five.

I have a huge appreciation for the golden oldies.  I love music from the fifties and sixties like so many people do.  I was listening to Chuck Berry the other night and “Sweet Little Sixteen” came on.  I have heard this song a million times, and this was the first time that it kinda struck me as creepy.  What was up with sixteen year old girls back then?  Is it weird that all of these older singers were so in to them?  Was it legal for men over the age of eighteen to hook up with sixteen year old girls in 1959?  The Crests sang a famous song called “Sixteen Candles” where they called this girl their teenage queen.  One of my all time favorites Sam Cooke sang about falling in love with a girl who was “Only Sixteen”.  The great Ringo Staar said in a song, “You’re Sixteen” and you’re beautiful and you’re mine.  He was like thirty something when that song came out.  I don’t know the rules in England, but you’re not getting away with that in the good old U.S of A.  Dateline has made millions filming thirty something year old guys getting arrested for prowling after sixteen year old girls.  Anyway, these are just some of the bigger songs.  There were tons.  You’d think the songs would have been about girls turning eighteen, because you know… they’re legal.  Not that it’s appropriate either, I’m just sayen.  I am just glad that my daughter (who doesn’t exist) will grow up in time where there isn’t a bunch of perverted, pedophile pop singers out there.  Aside I guess from R. Kelly. 

So that’s it for today.  I hope everyone is well.

I’ve had kind of a funny day so far.  I went to get a haircut and there was a guy two chairs down from getting his cut.  I heard his barber ask in a surprised voice, “So you want me to shorten up the top and leave the back long?”  The guy enthusiastically replied, “You got it!”  It doesn’t matter where you are, there’s always going to be someone rocking a mullet.  Thank God for them.  By the way, after the haircut my beard is way too long for my hair which has added more humor and funny looks to my day.  I wish I brought a hat.

After the cut I wondered around a little bit looking someplace new to grab a sandwich.  I stumbled upon a little hole in the wall “Italian” place obviously being run by an older Asian couple.  Anyway, I got a chicken parm sandwich (with no cheese of course) that was average at best.  The thing that cracked me up was when I was waiting for the sandwich.  I had nothing to read on me so I was just looking around.  There was a sign on the bathroom door that read “Restrooms For Customers Only”.  Nothing weird about that, but under it was another sign that read “Or Available for $2:00”.  You have to love the entrepreneurial spirit.

Lastly, I was having some computer issues here in the office and was getting extremely confused and baffled over the situation.  I let out a sigh and a, “what do I do?”  My good friend who sits across from me said, “It sounds like you’re in a little bit of a pickle.”  I was definitely frazzled and responded out loud in front of my mostly female coworkers, “Yes I do have a little pickle… wait a minute.”  An eruption of embarrassed giggles and laughter ensued.  Maybe you had to be there.

###

For those of you who have been long time readers of my blog may remember when I first got started I wrote a lot about North Face clothes, and how way too many people wear them.  It started in my very first post on 2/20/08, then continued on 2/21/08 and 2/28/08.  It has also probably been mentioned a handful times since.  Anyway, I guess I am not alone.  My friend Jason sent me a link to this new clothing line which is a direct parody of The North Face.  It’s called The South Butt. Check them out.  Here is their disclaimer…

“We are not in any fashion related to nor do we want to be confused with The North Face Apparel Corp. or its products sold under “The North Face” brand. If you are unable to discern the difference between a face and a butt, we encourage you to buy North Face products”

This to me is absolutely hilarious.  I read that The North Face actually filed a lawsuit against them.  South Butt, consider yourself endorsed by kduce.com!  You are doing God’s work.  I may have to get me a jacket.  It is smart asses like you that remind me why I spend time writing this crap.

As a side note, it was fun and maybe even a little sad reading those old posts.  It’s the first time I have done that.  It’s only been two years, but those posts seem like an eternity ago.  Thanks to everyone who continues to give me their undeserving support.  I think I may do a retrospective one of these days and comment on some of my favorites.

###

Because I am being a little nostalgic, I thought I would hit you up with a “funny google searches of the week” post.  Here is a refresher of what this is.  I am able to get stats as to what people search for to get to my site.  Because of some of the off-center things I write about, some interesting searches will lead people to kduce.com.  Some of them are funny enough to share.  I love to try to imagine what weirdo is googling this stuff.  I first wrote about this on Back on 4/30/09.  I am also going to include some referring sites.  A referring site is a site that for whatever reason has a link to my site that someone can click on and get to kduce.com.  So here we go…

I am still getting quite a bit of people typing in various things looking for hidden urinal pictures.  This is still the most disturbing, but I have touched on it so many times, that I don’t feel the need to anymore.  Here are a couple more, “sexting funny”, “learning disabilities resume” and “movie characters with learning disabilities”.  Not the funniest batch ever (I can only look back at the last ten searches), that is why I wanted to add these referring sites.  There are two that really stick out, ratemyporn.com and onlineviagrapill.com.  That’s right folks, kduce.com has made it to a porn site.  I don’t know how or why and I don’t know whether to be proud or ashamed, but it’s there.  I haven’t checked it out yet but I will eventually get to it (for investigative purposes only of course).  And how did I get on a boner pill website?  What are they trying to say?  Obviously they haven’t met me, because, well… maybe I should stop.

###

I will end on the Super Bowl.  I would love to give you my prediction, but I am in a pool and I don’t want the two people ahead of me to know my pick yet.  I will just say that I am predicting one team to win and the other will most likely lose.  Who really cares about the game though?  We are going to be BBQing up a mountain of food.  In fact, we’ll be getting started tomorrow night.  I plan on chronicling this and posting this annual culinary extravaganza on http://www.kuchbros.com.  Most importantly, everyone have a great time on Sunday and be safe.  No boozing and cruising, and remember when you are about to crack open your 15th beer at 8:00 that you have to work tomorrow.

Be on the lookout for a post I am researching right now and hope to get up soon.  It’s a great “what if” regarding the University of Arizona basketball team and a player they could have signed a while back but didn’t. 

Also look for my comments on the economic situation of Kabul and the troubling lack of healthcare for domesticated ferrets.

By the way, Zombie Land was pretty damn entertaining.  Not making my top 10 list for the year or anything but it’s short and will make you laugh.  And I usually hate gore and zombie movies.

Thanks for stopping by everyone.  Take care of yourself, and each other.

So I have been busy studying (which thankfully will be over this week) and haven’t really had the time to add new content, so I thought maybe I would dig in to the archives and post some poems that I have written over various times over the last fifteen years.  I posted one of my favorites back in my 2/27/09 post and honestly got very little feedback.  Regardless, I am doing it again but am going to post a few of them this time.

This first one I wrote my senior year in high school while listening to Dark Side of the Moon at my friend Chris’s house.  I’m not exactly sure what I was thinking or what this is all about, but I always liked it.

THE BUNNY                                                       

In a dry field, there laid a bunny which
appeared dead.  I sat down next to it.
The bunny arose from its deep sleep.
In a fierce rage it ate off my foot,
and fed my toes to its children.
However my foot mysteriously grew back.

I wrote this next one for a poetry class that I was taking during my junior year of college.  I remember my teacher telling me that I was the least poetic person that he ever taught and that even though I blatantly ignored his advice on the rules and rhythm of poetry and kept writing these “smart ass things” (he didn’t want to call them poems) he couldn’t help give me anything lower than a B because they were original and made him laugh.  All of the other students were writing these dark and depressing poems about being dumped, or growing up fat or whatever.  One day I should really do a post about poetry majors in college.  They were an interesting bunch, wore lots of black.  I felt like I was at a Cure concert more than I did a college class.  Here’s an example of one of mine…   

QUALITY TELEVISION

In the late morning
Or in the late night
There is a program
Which brings T.V. to new heights
When flipping through the channels
You feel there’s no place to go
Check your local listings
For the Jerry Springer show

The show is about lost love
And people’s cheating ways
The drama will captivate you
For many many days
The cross dressers and strippers
Have oh so much class
And if you are lucky
A guest will show you their ass

If violence is your thing
This show is also for you
Do you want to see a fight?
There’s one every minute or two
When a brawl breaks out
Things don’t get too scary
The body guard breaks ‘em up
While the crowd chants “Jerry!”

Now you can forget Jenny Jones
And tell Rosie to go to hell
Geraldo has lost it
And how terrible is Montel?
Don’t tell me you miss
That old fart Donahue
Jerry has incest, love triangles
And twelve year olds banging people that are 72

Now everyone listen
To everything I have just said
Watch Springer nightly
While eating dinner or lying in bed
And forget about everything
Your teachers and parents ever taught
You will gain all the wisdom you need
From Jerry’s final thought

I wrote these next two poems while working for the marketing department at Monster Cable back in 2001.  We had a team meeting every week where everyone filled out this little sheet with their meeting items.  Since I was basically a grunt, I never had anything that I could add to the meeting.  So instead of writing some BS on the meeting spreadsheet I wrote little poems to lighten the mood.  Here are a couple examples…

Leroy

I knew this guy by the name of Ned
He looked more like a Leroy
But I called him Fred

Now Fred was looking for a girl to marry
I thought it’d be hard
‘cause his head was bald and his body, harry

He met a girl named Sheila while working in Bakersfield
She was drinking whisky
And dancing on his windshield

He said, “Hey there Sheila, tell me what’s your name?”
She said, “I’m Leroy.”
He said, “What a crazy world, mine’s the same.”

The two were wed just 2 short weeks later
They now live in Santa Fe, New Mexico,
with Leroy their pet alligator.

And…

Jake the Lonely Snake

Jake was a snake
That learned how to push a rake
So he could earn some extra cash
To buy some doughnuts and some hash
And take the ladies out
To slide and slither all about

But that Jake one day, he got lonely
He said, “I want a woman to be my one and only”
He’d look back at his earlier days
And decided to change his ways
So he slid back into his hole
To think and get advice from Murry the mole

He finely met a woman named Jenny
Her fangs were shiny like a new penny
He said, “baby I want to get with you”
She said, “forget it Jake we’re through”
He asked, “why baby? For goodness sake.”
She said, “because I want a doctor not some looser that pushes a rake”

Ok, last one for now.  This I wrote while I was unemployed after being laid off from that job at Monster Cable.  Maybe they didn’t like my poems.  I actually wrote a ton during this time of unemployment and like the poem I posted on 2/27/09, here’s an example.

NEVER DATE SOMEONE YOU RESCUED FROM A PORT-O-LET

I remember the day that you and I first met
I was locked inside of a port-o-let
You heard my screams and tore off the door
Then the thing tipped over and we were covered in feces galore
I called you my hero, then asked if I could take you to dinner
You gave me your number and said to call when I got thinner
I lost some weight and phoned but you wouldn’t return my calls
Then when we finely got together you broke your leg tripping over my balls
I apologized and explained that it happens all the time
We went to the hospital and I had no change for the meter so you leant me a dime
The doc called you in and said it was time for your x-ray
I asked if I could get one too, and he said maybe some other day
I told him to take extra special care of the girl I love
And then I asked him if I could have some of his rubber gloves
You were in a cast for seven or eight weeks
You wouldn’t talk to me but I had your name tattooed on my butt cheeks
I showed up at your place one night and asked if you would marry me
But I was greeted at the door by your new boyfriend Wing Phat Lee
You yelled that you thought I was sick from a window on the second floor
Then Wing Phat tai kwon doed my ass on the porch by the front door
I tried to see you but some crazy cop said you have a restraining order
Then I told the cop that it’s okay, I just have social anxiety disorder
I just kept on walking, until that pig threw me in jail
So you are my one phone call baby, I’m broke, do you mind paying my bail?

Ok, so I am no Robert Frost, but I never claimed to be.  By the way, he has one of my favorite all time quotes, “Fences make the best neighbors”.  I just think it’s funny.  I hope you enjoyed my poems or they at least killed a few boring minutes at work for you.  I’ll get some more up there some other time.  In the meantime, there will be more on the top 100 movie countdown and all the other stuff I usually do.  Stay dry out there.

What’s there to say about Return of the Jedi that hasn’t already been said?  It’s the third installment of one of the best two trilogies of all time; the other of course being The Godfather.  I’m saying it’s a trilogy because I don’t consider the three movies director George Lucas started in the late 90’s to be in the same group.  Yeah, some of the characters are the same; but they’re just different.  Anyway, I happen to like Jedi better than the original Star Wars.  Maybe it’s because when it came out, I was old enough to see it in the theater and know what I was watching.  I saw it in this shitty theater in Redwood City.  Needless to say, it was a huge event.  There is something to be said about the effects of all the Star Wars movies.  If they were made today they would be filled with CGI and the look would be, oh I don’t know… blah, sorta like the more recent Star Wars trilogy.  How Lucas was able to pull off using puppets and models to create these characters, spaceships and worlds is quite amazing.  What’s more amazing is how well it holds up.  You’ve all seen the movie and I would assume that most of you love it.  If you haven’t seen it, you’re weird.

Before I get in to the bulk of this post, I want to comment on something.  Facebook and Twitter were not built for you to tell the world about your personal problems.  I see posts where people give a vague statement that obviously means someone just cheated on them, or that they are heart broken or that they are pissed at someone. Please keep your personal business personal.  I also don’t care that you are going to the dry cleaner just like you wouldn’t care if I was “gettin’ a coffee ”. I don’t mind someone giving their opinion on something, but don’t post something obnoxious in an obvious attempt to anger people and start some debate.  I am going to try to start collecting some of these and putting them in a section called, Terrible Posts.  I encourage everyone to email any terrible, unintentionally funny or weird post they see and I will post them.  Obviously I won’t post anyone’s names.  Here is an example of a few posts I have seen or heard of recently…

XXX in the Drs office while my poor mom is having a Colonoscopy…poor mommy!

Umm…  I am sure that your mom truly appreciates you letting the world know that at the exact time people were reading that, she had doctors sticking stuff up her ass.  If you were my child, I would hope that you would keep that between people who are close to you.

XXX Thank god I got my period

A friend of mine sent me this one to me.  The fact that it was written by his college age cousin and her mom is one of her Facebook friends makes it worse.  This of course would be inappropriate to be written by anyone.  It’s none of our business.  Sure, we’re glad this worked out for you; but you’re letting us in on a part of your life that we really shouldn’t be involved in.  I’m sure her mother was proud.

XXX My ass is sore and my left wrist hurts… but I have no complaints. Snowboarding in Mammoth, life doesn’t get any better than this!

Are you sure you were snowboarding?

These are real posts.  Ok, nothing inappropriate about the last one.  Like I say though, unintentional comedy is also very welcome for this section.  Is it contradictory that I say that people shouldn’t be posting some of this stuff and I turn around and use it for jokes?  I don’t think so.  These are Anonymous and posted for the sake of humor and for me to make a point.  So feel free to send me stuff if you think it fits.

###

I was watching the National Title game the other night when I saw an ad for the new Mel Gibson movie.  It’s called, The Edge of Darkness.  This looks a lot like the run of embarrassing movies he had in the 90’s such as Payback and Ransom.  I think the whole thing about him being somewhat blacklisted due to his unforgiving anti-Semitism and alcoholism may have overall been a good thing for Mel.  I say this because we have all sorta forgotten about him and how big of a schmuck he is.  It appears that he is now trying to make a comeback.  So before anyone blindly goes out to see any of his movies, I thought it would be a good idea to remind you all of how terrible he is; not only as a person, but as an actor.  Let’s start with some of the one-liners…

The ad for his new movie that I saw last night showed a quick snippet of a scene where he unleashes a one-liner that is sure to rank amongst his most embarrassingly hilarious of all time.  He’s pointing a gun at some guy sitting in car and in a “wicked” bad Boston accent says, “I’m the guy with nothing to lose… now fasten your seatbelt.”  I mean, this has to rank right towards his top right?  We’ll take a look at some of the classics and you can decide for yourself.

“We went for breakfast… in Canada. We made a deal; if she’d stop hookin’, I’d stop shooting people…  Maybe we were aiming high.” – From Payback

“I’m surprised you haven’t heard of me, I got a bad reputation, like sometimes I just go nuts like now ha ha!” – Lethal Weapon 2

“I’m not a cop tonight, Rog. This is personal.” – Lethal Weapon 2

“I’m a parent. I haven’t got the luxury of principles.” – The Patriot

And the granddaddy of them all…

“You kill him, you kill yourself, you motherfucker! GIVE ME BACK MY SON!” – (In the most intense intensity you can imagine) –Ransom

To this day, my friends and I quote the Ransom line on almost a weekly occurrence.  So we got some horrible Mel lines from some horrible Mel movies.  Most of his movies were horrible.  I was never really in to Braveheart (seriously, watch it again and I promise you will laugh) and the Lethal Weapon movies were ok for the time, but they didn’t age well.  Does the world really need a comeback from Mel Gibson?  Before you answer…

I just want to list off some things that Mel has said and done in the past.  Mel is a big time in to his Catholic religion, which is fine.  He was asked about non-Catholics not being able to get in to heaven.  Here is what he said…

“There is no salvation for those outside the Church … I believe it. Put it this way. My wife is a saint. She’s a much better person than I am. Honestly. She’s, like, Episcopalian, Church of England. She prays, she believes in God, she knows Jesus, she believes in that stuff. And it’s just not fair if she doesn’t make it, she’s better than I am. But that is a pronouncement from the chair. I go with it.”

So basically he says his wife won’t get in to heaven because she prays to Jesus differently than he does.  How did it take her until 2009 to divorce his ass?  Here is what he had to say when asked about gay people…

“They take it up the ass.” He said while pointing at his butt.  “This is only for taking a shit.”

Thanks for clearing that up Mel, classy guy.  Here is something he said to a Jewish police officer that pulled him over for drunk driving…

“”Fucking Jews… Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world. Are you a Jew?”

Wow Mel, wow.  You’re in the movie business and you are ripping homosexuals and Jewish people, not a great career move.  How does he still get work?  So do we really need more Mel Gibson movies?  Maybe if he was going to make a good one we’d give him a pass; I just don’t see it happening.  We already spoke about The Edge of Darkness.  His next movie to come out is called The Beaver.  Here is the plot synopsis from IMDB…

A guy walks around with a puppet of a beaver on his hand and treats it like a living creature.

Sounds good, huh?  Jodi Foster is directing and I assume she cast him as a favor.  They are old friends.  After that, he is making a movie called How I Spent My Summer Vacation.  Here’s the synopsis…

A career criminal (Gibson) nabbed by Mexican authorities is placed in a tough prison where he learns to survive with the help of a 9-year-old boy.

What is a 9-year-old boy doing in prison?  Anyway, in his defense he has just cast Leo DiCaprio for his next directorial effort which is impressive.  It’s a movie about Viking culture.  Can’t wait.  So basically I saw a commercial last night for a stupid movie and it reminded me how much of a joker Mel Gibson is.  I can’t believe I just wasted my time and yours writing about him.  The quotes are funny though.  Oh… and to answer my own question.  No.  We probably don’t need any more of Mel Gibson.

###

Speaking of movie slayers, check out the trailer to John Travolta’s new movie, From Paris with Love.  Check out his face.  This has shades of his performance in Face/Off all over it. That’s not a good thing.

###

Ok, let me talk a moment about a good movie.  I watched (500) Days of Summer the other night and thought it was just awesome.  It’s billed as a romantic comedy, but this isn’t your typical Sandra Bullock or Kate Hudson fluff.  This movie is funny, very clever and bends the genre to a place that sorta makes it another genre.  The lead performances are great.  Zooey Deschanel and Joseph Gordon-Levitt have the type of chemistry that you only see every so often in movies nowadays.  It’s a throw back in that sense, but everything in this movie is done in ways I have never seen done before so it’s the furthest thing from a throw back.  I think the movie I can most easily compare it to is Annie Hall.  They are both about the same thing really; but both stories are told in a really unorthodox way.  Like Annie Hall, it’s the story of a relationship between a guy and a girl that ultimately doesn’t work out.  Anyone who has been in one can relate to this.  (500) Days of Summer is told from the guy’s perspective; it really takes place in his memory.  We get the entire duration of the relationship from when they meet, hookup, breakup and the getting over it phase.  What’s so cool is that it’s not told chronologically.  When thinking back on a past relationship your mind will usually jump around.  You think about some good times, then some bad and often not in any kind of order.  That’s how director Marc Webb tells this story.  He also uses… I don’t want to say gimmicks because that implies that it’s bad; I’ll call them techniques, to really capture what is going on in the character’s head and what they are feeling during certain points of this relationship.  I don’t want to give too much away, but there is an imaginary musical number in this movie that is absolutely hilarious.

How this movie didn’t get nominated for more in the comedy categories for the Golden Globes is beyond me, especially after seeing who and what was nominated.  This movie immediately jumps in to my top 5 of the year and is really going to give the top spot a run for its money.  It’ll be one of those movies that will have real staying power.  It’s going to get bigger as time goes on as it is very rewatchable.  I can’t wait to see it again. 

P.S.

I didn’t list this movie as one I thought would compete for my top 5 list in the 12/23/09 post, I guess I was wrong.  I did list District 9 which I watched the other night.  That will not be making it.  It was good, but different than I expected and not in a good way.  It starts out as a very interesting and unique sci-fi flick and eventually ends up as your run of the mill action movie complete with a hokey buddy relationship and an, “I won’t leave without you” moment .  It’s a solid B, but nothing to get too excited about.  It’s a little overrated in my opinion.  It’s not nearly as overrated as Public Enemies though. Not sure why I am mentioning this because I didn’t have high expectations to start with.   That movie got solid love from critics and audiences over the summer.  I don’t see why.  Not that it’s bad, it’s just very average.  I have never been a fan of the director Michael Mann.  If you like his stuff maybe you should see it anyway.  I also had Avatar on that list.  I still want to see it, but can probably cross it off.  From how everyone describes it, I’m not going to like it.  We’ll see though. I guess what I am saying is that I’ll end up with a solid top 10 rather just a top 5, but at this time it’s all influx.

###
>

So I have been on a movie kick on this site for a little bit.  There has just been a lot out on DVD and in the theater.  The holidays gave me some time to catch up on my watching and I wanted to talk about them.  So if the movie stuff bores you, don’t worry.  I’ll be getting back to other stuff soon enough.  I hope 2010 is treating you well so far.  Later.

This is just a quick fix to my top five movies of the year list.  I totally forgot about Away We Go.  I did a small write up about it on the bottom of my 6/15/09 post.  I can’t believe how overlooked this movie has been, especially since seeing the Golden Globe nominations.  How Maya Rudolph wasn’t nominated over Julia Roberts, Sandra Bullock or Meryl Streep for Best Actress in a Comedy is beyond me. She’s had one of the best lead actress performances of the year that I have seen so far.  This movie could have easily been nominated for Best Comedy.  Maybe it’s because it came out in June, maybe because it’s as much of a drama as it is a comedy; I have no idea.  Regardless, it’s very well done and now available on DVD.  Check it out.

I said that Star Trek shouldn’t get too comfortable in the five spot, but it was knocked out sooner than I expected.  I am actually moving Sugar to five and putting Away We Go at the four spot.  So my revised top five list is as follows…

1. Fantastic Mr. Fox
2. Inglorious Bastards
3. Up in the Air
4. Away We Go
5. Sugar

As I said before, I will revise this list again once I have seen everything.  Have a great New Years!

I recently saw a trailer for the new Meryl Streep movie called It’s Complicated. It obviously looks like nothing I would ever want to see; but hey, women in menopause need movies to watch too. This actually has nothing to do with the movie itself, but the title. “It’s complicated” has turned in to a phrase with an annoyance level up there with, “too much information”. This phrase, said mostly by women is typically being used to describe a romantic relationship. Even on Facebook, you can say that you are in a relationship, married, single, engaged or it’s complicated. I see more and more people using the it’s complicated option. This drives me nuts. What is anyone supposed to get out of this and what does it mean? You’re either in a relationship or not. Get over yourself. By saying it’s complicated, it sounds like you are just baiting people to ask you about your drama. Or maybe you are secretly trying to say that you aren’t in an official relationship, but you have someone you bang late night when you’re drunk. Either that, or the person you are in a relationship with is married. No one except for maybe some close friends and family cares or wants to know about your complicated relationship. Aside from that, it just sounds lame.

Person 1: So, you dating anyone right now?

Person 2: Well… it’s complicated. Ya know?

Person 1: (in a very cheesy laugh) Oh ha ha. Yeah… I know what you mean.

Actually no, we don’t know what you mean and before you try to explain yourself… Just. Shut. Up. I think most people that use this phrase actually are single people that hate being single and this is a way for them to avoid the embarrassment of having to say…

Person 2: Actually I am single, lonely and feeling utterly helpless. I spend every evening alone watching Meryl Streep movies and petting my cats. (begins to cry hysterically) I’m a good catch, right? I’m not fat. All I want is to have babies and no one wants to give me any.

Well ok. Maybe that’s “too much information”. Maybe she should stick to saying “it’s complicated”. Maybe I should shut up and talk about something else.

###

I saw the Golden Globe nominations this week and I couldn’t help but think that this was a down year for movies. Having said that (thank you Larry and Jerry), I haven’t seen everything and there are still some promising movies that haven’t hit theaters yet. Still though, take a look at some of the nominations.

For those of you that aren’t familiar, the Golden Globes work a little differently than the Oscars. There are two sets of nominees for Best Picture, Actress and Actor. There is a Best (fill in the category) for Drama and one for Musical or Comedy.

It must have been a horrible year to be a woman in Hollywood. The Best Actress nominees are shameful. Half of the ten are a total joke, the other half seem either legitimate or I don’t know enough about them to form an opinion. I should tell you that I don’t have to see a movie to necessarily to form an opinion on it. I just know that some movies are going to be god awful. Old Dogs? Knew it. Just like I can tell you that Sherlock Holmes and The Bounty Hunter are going to be embarrassing. Anyway… two women were nominated twice. Meryl Streep, for Julie and Julia and the other of course for It’s Complicated. Ugh. The other double nominee is Sandra Bullock for The Blind Side and The Proposal. I can see the Blind Side, I guess. It’s the kind of overly sentimental fluff that so many people like, the sappy performances get confused for being good. The Proposal though boggles my mind. One critic said it was, “…a romantic comedy so numbing it feels like Novocain.” It’s the type of role that that you can interchange actresses and the movie won’t be any better or worse regardless who they have playing it. Bullock, Jennifer Gardner, Katherine Heigl, maybe Julia Roberts; it just wouldn’t make a difference. That type of performance and role should never be nominated for anything. Speaking of Roberts, she was nominated for Duplicity. This movie came and went and I honestly never heard a word about her performance being anything special. She has turned in to one of my least favorite actresses out there. She plays every role she’s in nowadays with this sexy arrogance that drives me crazy. It probably wouldn’t bother me if she was still somewhat, I don’t know… sexy? Julia, you just don’t have it anymore. Honestly you never really did in my opinion. So that brings me to who I am guessing will win these. The Best Actress in a Drama will likely go to Gabourey Sidibe for Precious. It’s the type of movie that I am scared to see because I feel like I already have enough to be depressed about than to watch how miserable this poor girl’s life is. I haven’t read a single thing that says the movie is anything less than top notch though and the voters would love to give the award to an out of nowhere actress. My backup winner here would be Carey Mulligan for An Education. For Best Actress in a Musical or Comedy, I am literally just using process of elimination and giving it to Marion Cotillard in Nine. I don’t know anything about the performance, but we’ve discussed the alternatives and you know how I feel about them. Plus, musicals always do well and I happen to be a fan of Marion for obvious reasons.

The men have a much more impressive set of nominees. Some of this may have to do with the fact that there are just more good roles written for men; but that’s a different topic. The only one that seems totally out there and horrible is in the Musical or Comedy category. Robert Downey Jr was nominated for Sherlock Holmes. I didn’t know that was supposed to be a comedy. Also, have you seen the commercials? It literally looks like one of the worst movies of the year. Do you remember Wild Wild West with Will Smith? Do you remember how big of a bomb it was? That’s what the new Sherlock looks like to me. Since when was Sherlock Holmes a badass action guy? With Guy Ritchie directing, all signs point to this movie giving you a headache. The rest of the slate is pretty solid. Every time Daniel Day Lewis is nominated for anything, you have to consider him the favorite. With that said, I am going with Matt Damon in The Informant! and will make Lewis my runner up. In the drama category I think Jeff Bridges takes it for his role as a washed up country singer in Crazy Heart. I can’t wait to see this movie. George Clooney will be my runner up for his role in Up in the Air.

I don’t think there will be much suspense for the Supporting categories; therefore won’t even bother with runners up. Christoph Waltz seems to be an utter lock for his role as the super mean Nazi in Inglorious Bastards. Same goes for Mo’Nique who has been getting a ton of buzz for her role as the super mean mom in Precious.

The nominees for Best Drama actually look ok. I just have this feeling that Precious is going to win. I’ll choose Up in the Air as my runner up. The Musical or Comedy category is not nearly as deep. My guess is that Nine wins. Musicals always do well in these award shows. I can’t imagine that any of the other four nominees have much of a chance, so I won’t even bother with a runner up. It is interesting to see The Hangover nominated. It was definitely funny, but there was nothing award worthy about it. I do want to see (500) Days of Summer even though my friend Dave hated it. I have heard enough good things that I will check it out. From what I have read and seen in previews, it looks like it was done in a very clever and new way, which is what I would look for if I was voting for these awards.

With that, I figured I may as well give you a list of my top five movies of the year… so far. Keep in mind that this list is incomplete until I see everything. Here they are.

1. Fantastic Mr. Fox
2. Inglorious Bastards
3. Up in the Air
4. Sugar
5. Star Trek

Yeah, that’s right. Star Trek. I saw it again on DVD the other night, and I thought it was great. I went in thinking it was going to be GI Joe or Transformers bad, but it was really well done.

Sugar is going to be one of the more underappreciated movies of the year. My friend Rob told me to see it and I was very happy he did. It’s about a pitcher from the Dominican Republic signed to play Major League Baseball and his life in the minors. It’s more about adjusting to a new culture than it is about baseball.

Up in the Air is a very funny look at two very sad subjects; the economy and loneliness. The cast is great and Jason Reitman cemented himself as one of the best young directors going.

Inglorious Bastards is easily Tarantino’s best movie since Pulp Fiction and a huge punch in your gut. I was blown away.

See the bottom of my post from 11/30/09 for a short review on Fantastic Mr. Fox. I loved it.

I still do have a lot to see, so Star Trek shouldn’t get too comfortable. The movies I expect to contend for my top 5 that I have yet to see are as follows…

The Hurt Locker

Avatar

District 9

Crazy Heart

A Serious Man

The Informant!

I’ll probably have a final list some time in March.

###

I actually had some more things that I wanted to talk about, but this is already getting long so I will save them for another time. I’ll switch gears here for a second and get a little serious…

2009 was a downright bad year. It was a down year for me personally, but my problems can’t compare with those of many others. So many people all over this country have lost their jobs and their homes. Those who can’t afford health care are left with the decision to sink in to insurmountable debt or to leave their illness untreated. Violence and hunger are plaguing millions all over the planet. I don’t remember a year where so many people I know have lost family and friends or have had people close to them get sick and deal with painful surgeries. My thoughts are with all of you that have lost someone and I hope that anyone who is sick can receive the best treatment possible and get better soon. I hope that 2010 is a much happier for you all.

2009 is over and we are entering a new decade. What that means exactly, who knows? I guess we’ll all find out eventually. While it’s nice to look back at the memories of the last ten years, it’s also a chance to look forward at all the new people you’ll meet, places you’ll go and accomplishments you’ll… um… accomplish. I can’t believe ten years have passed since Y2K. It has literally flown by. The next ten will fly by just as fast, so try to slow down and take the time to enjoy it when you can. Some words of wisdom from the not so wise K-Duce. Take them to heart. I’m going to try to.

So from all of us at kduce.com (me) to all you out there who visit me every so often, I thank you. Whether you got to my site on accident by searching for hidden urinal camera pictures, you work for Jimmy Fallon and are stealing my jokes, you are on my mailing list or you just found me randomly; have a wonderful holiday season, an amazing 2010 and long lasting 20-Teens (or whatever they eventually end up calling the decade).