Hello folks.  It has been way too long.  I have been preoccupied with many things and my blog has suffered greatly.  Anyway, I have had a couple thoughts lately that I wanted to share with you.  So without further adieu, here goes…

Has anyone seen the commercial for the new Katherine Heigl movie with Ashton Kutcher?  It’s called Killers and it looks absolutely brutal.  Take a look. Her next movie, Life As We Know It sounds equally as bad.  Aside from her role in the mostly overrated but solid enough movie Knocked Up, her movies can all be classified as pitiful fluff.  That’s was leads me to this question.  Is Heigl destined to be the female version of David Caruso?  You remember Caruso.  He’s the guy who left a big time TV show to epically fail as a movie star.  Looking in my crystal ball I see the same fate for Heigl.  Maybe she will be able to resurrect her career at a later date with another goofy network TV show where she will be known more for cheasy one-liners than any kind of acting chops.  By the way, Kutcher and Heigl making a movie together is the equivalent of G.W. Bush and Sarah Palin making a baby together, probably going to come out thoughtless and simple minded.

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There is a pizza spot in San Francisco called Pizza Orgasmica.  They have special pizzas with names such as “Doggy Style”, “Menage a Trois” and “Hot Mamma” to name a few.  The pictures painted on the walls of their three locations are all Adam and Eve inspired; a naked couple in the Garden of Eden feeding each other pizza.  Basically harmless stuff, but you get the theme.  What gets me is the ad campaign.  They have people moaning and groaning while eating the pizza in the comercial, basically having simulated orgasms with some sexy voiced chick saying the tag line, “we never fake it”.  I have had the pizza by the way; it’s ok but the only bodily function it induced was something that you probably don’t have any interest hearing about.  I don’t see how the commercial does anything to make anyone want to go there.  If their pizza did induce an orgasm, would you really want to be sitting there at the restaurant eating it in front of people?  Play this scenario out in your head.  You’re bighting in to that “Hot Mamma” pie with sausage, pineapple and peppers and all the sudden it hits you.  “Oh god, oh god”, you say… “It’s so good, that sausage is so spicy…” Then “ahhh shit… umm, I got to get out of here guys.  Is there a Gap around here, I need to pick up some boxer shorts.”    Awkward, right?  And how appetizing is it to be watching and hearing the ecstasy of your friends and all of the strangers (who definitely come in all shapes and sizes) while you’re trying to enjoy a slice?  So yeah, I would go with a different strategy here.  I mean if the pizza was good enough to induce an orgasm, I would think they would be better served advertising for their home delivery.  You’d have to think they could make a killing there.

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A common topic on this blog throughout the years has been how disgusting the bathrooms in my office are.  There are the unflushed urinals, people not washing their hands and various other things.  What still kills me the most is the pissing on the toilet seats.  There are good size wall barriers between urinals, so I don’t get why people pee in the toilet stalls anyway.  Well some do, and I caught one of the culprits the other day red… well not red handed, but you get where I’m going.  So a coworker and I suspected this one dude for a while.  We just noticed odd bathroom behavior out of him.  I was in there the other day standing at the urinal, when I noticed a pair of shoes under the wall pointing the wrong direction.  Standing and facing the toilet.  I hear no flush or anything, the door just opens and our #1 suspect walks out of the bathroom.  No hand wash or anything.  No one else was in the bathroom, so I figured this would be a good time to get to the bottom of the issue.  I opened the stall door, and what did I see?  Piss all over the seat.  I mean all over it.  You know what?  If you don’t feel comfortable going to the bathroom in the urinals and you need some more privacy, that’s fine.  Just lift up the damn seat when you go.  You can do it with your foot.  I was sick of it.  Something had to be done.  I didn’t want to say anything to him because he is already a weird dude, and I figure if he’s willing to pee all over toilet seats than he could be capable of many other horrible things.  I don’t want to be on his bad side.  I also didn’t want to put an anonymous note on his desk because in fairness, he’s probably not the only offender.  I did the only reasonable thing I could think of, I put signs up in every toilet stall.  The sign is inoffensive, it reads something along the lines of, “IF YOU ARE GOING TO USE THE BATHROOM IN HERE PLEASE LIFT UP THE SEAT (you can easily do this with your foot) OR CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF WHEN YOU ARE DONE.  OTHER PEOPLE SHOULD NOT HAVE TO DO THIS FOR YOU.  IT’S KINDA GROSS”.  I tried to keep it somewhat on the down low when I was putting them up, but one of the HR guys walked in as I was doing it.  He didn’t see exactly what I was doing, but could tell I was up to something.  Anyway, the signs have been well received. Considering that my days at this company are likely numbered, after five grueling years I feel like I have finally made my mark and a difference at this place.  As for the seat pisser, I am not sure what his reaction was or if he has paid the signs any mind, but I am yet to see any pee on the seats since I took action.  Your welcome!

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Its funny google searches time!  As a reminder, I have a tracking tool which allows me to see what people searched for that got them to my site.  These are actual things that people typed in to google that eventually led them to kduce.com.  I have bolded the exact word for word searches.  This one I like, because it comes from something I wrote a long while ago, “purpose of non lubricated condom”.  Someone wanted to know.  I did too, that’s why I wrote about it.  Still no one has been able to tell me.  Here’s another curious google searcher who had a question, “whats the movie where robert downey jr gives a guy head for coke”.  I don’t know if that actually happened in a movie.  I am pretty sure that was real life.  One more person had a question for google, “what were the brand of boots M Streep had on in its complicated”.  I love the fact someone was trying to find this out and ended up getting to my site where I have some very unflattering things to say about the movie.  Here is someone who just had a statement that they wanted to make, “jimmy johnson extenze what a fucking loser”.  I hate calling Jimmy a loser for trying to make a buck; in fact I think his participation in the commercial shows guts and confidence.  None the less, it was pretty hilarious.

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Hey, I am as big of a Matt Damon fan as the next guy…  He’s one of the best actors we have right now.  All I am saying is, I am getting a little tired of seeing him getting chased around by secret international agencies.  First there were the Bourn movies, then Green Zone.  Now we have The Adjustment Bureau.  Here’s the trailer.  Matt, aren’t you getting tired of all this running around?  How about casting someone else in one of these every so often to give Matt some well deserved rest?  I am not hatin’ on you Matt, I just think that you need a breather.  Maybe your boy Kevin Smith can get you hooked up in some comedy where you don’t really do much; just sit around and talk about stuff that used to be funny.  I don’t know…

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There is a Miller Light commercial out there where a guy walks in to a bar with a purse.  The hot bartender gives him the business and he explains that it’s not a purse, it’s a carry-all.  Now anyone who was an avid Seinfeld watcher knows that this joke was blatantly stolen from an episode in which Jerry walks around with a purse that he describes as a carry-all (check it).  This is one of the main reasons I hate advertisers.  I see old jokes stolen and put on commercials all the time.  Why do companies pay ad agencies to steal jokes from old TV shows?  Sometimes I feel that most advertising copyrighters are just hacks that can’t cut it writing anything original.  Can’t Miller Light find some scrub in whatever department who watches a lot of TV and ask him for some funny old jokes that he’s scene and just build a commercial out of it?  It would save them a ton of money and put these hacks out of business.  If there is one thing I hate, it’s a joke thief.  See my letter to Jimmy Fallon from 9/30/09. 

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Quick story.  I was standing outside of a bar the other day to make a phone call.  This dude rolled up on a bike and asked me if I could watch it for a minute.  I must look like someone who can be trusted, because how does he know I wouldn’t jump on it and bolt.  I didn’t by the way.  So, I said sure.  I didn’t mind watching it even though he did interrupt my phone conversation.  That wasn’t the problem.  The problem was the spandex he was wearing.  Dude!  You’re not in the fucking Tour De France.  Easy on the spandex.  You’re not competing in a race or even on some crazy marathon bike ride.  It looked to me like he was cruising around running errands.  Would it hurt to at least maybe put a pair of shorts on over the spandex pants so we can’t tell if you’ve been circumcised or not?  It’s offensive.

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I know that was a long one, but it’s been a while and had some things to get off my chest.  Thanks for coming by and hopefully I can get back on top of this thing again.