Hello there.  I have been a little distracted as of late, so it’s been a while.  I hope everyone is well.  I have had a few things on my mind as of late, so I’ll just get right down to business…

Someone here in my office has implemented a “Green Team”.  I think the title of the group makes it pretty obvious what they’re all about.  Overall, this is a positive thing with the state of our environment.  The group plans weekend events to clean up litter in parks and hiking areas and promotes recycling within the office.  These are all good things.  In fact, I wouldn’t mind joining if it weren’t for the fact that the people running it are exactly the types I never want to spend my free time with.  You would think it would be the more down to earth types in the office, but that is very much not the case.  I think the leader (it’s a guy) probably spends more money on his hair in one trip to the stylist than I spend on a month’s worth of groceries.  He also wears tighter jeans (and no, I don’t mean skinny hipster jeans, I mean tight like he can’t fit a wallet in his pocket jeans) than most girls.  Nice enough people, just not my crowd.  Anyway, I have totally digressed here.  I do have an issue with one of the tactics that this group has implemented, and of course it goes back to the familiar topic of the office bathroom.  This isn’t the usual gross people don’t flush and leave pubes all over the place stuff that I usually mention, this is just annoying and kind of stupid.  They put up signs above the paper towel dispensers that say, “Use Only 1 Towel to Stay Clean, Yet Green”.  Ok.  I get the point.  But aside from how lame their little phrase is, it’s not like we have thick Bounty towels in there.  These are the same type of thin crappy towels they have in a Burger King bathroom.  One towel is not going to dry your hands.  And really, don’t tell me how many towels to use.  I am a grown man (sort of), if I want to use two or three towels to dry my hands, than dammit that’s what I am going to do.  I am pretty sure using three towels instead of one is not going to kill any polar bears.  They just put up a new sign that reads, “Paper Hand Towels Only”.  This one doesn’t really bother me as much as it confuses me since there is nothing but paper towels in the bathroom.  They don’t have any other options like blowers, towels made of cloth, ShamWows, rubber, latex, steel wool or anything else.  Just paper.  So tell me Green Team, what the hell do you mean?  If you were really that green, wouldn’t you have the office invest in some blowers?  Trust me.  I understand this is a pointless rant and I should just ignore these things, but I just can’t.  Go clean up a park people and stop trying to control my paper towel usage with a catchy phrase and guilt.

 

While I’m on the subject of people at my work that really get under my skin…  Does every office have someone who talks about their personal and family life at a higher than necessary volume because for whatever reason they think it’s really interesting?  I have one in mine.  Probably more than one, but one that does it so often that she probably overshadows the others.  I don’t think I am stereotyping by saying that these people are usually women.  It’s just a fact.  No one cares that your friend is making her bridesmaids wear a pant suit at their wedding.  No one cares about what your husband watched on TV.  No one cares about where you take your baby for daycare.  And no one, I mean absolutely no one wants to hear about what kind of “tearing” may have taken place while you were giving birth.  If I have to keep hearing her talk about her baby, I just may flip out.  

Note to anonymous person I am talking about:

Stop thinking that every topic of conversation needs to be transitioned to something about you or your kid.  If someone mentions they went to a baseball game over the weekend, this is not an open invitation for you to talk about how your baby ate his first hot dog over the weekend.  Look, we’re all happy for you.  Seriously.  I have a lot of respect for parenthood.  One day I hope to have kids.  And I honestly like to hear how my friend’s and coworker’s (who I have an outside friendship with) kids are doing.  But if I hear you saying your baby’s name again louder than I need to, I’m gonna lose it.

 

This is a little late, but it still seems ridiculous to me.  About a month ago the date was 9/9/09 and the news was all over it.  Ummm… so what?  Why were actual journalists writing about this and what’s the big deal about a baby being born on that day?  Next year there will be a 10/10/10, and then a year later we’ll have an 11/11/11?  Guess what?  A year after that we’ll have a 12/12/12.  Last year we had an 8/8/08.  Today is 10/12/09.  What’s the difference?

 

I have managed to reach 32 years of age with a decent head of hair.  Sure, I have a bald spot and the line has receded a bit; but it could be much worse.  In fact, if it were 1989 instead of 2009 I probably would be bald.  This is because Propecia wasn’t around until the mid 1990’s.  I first started noticing the hair loss when I was a junior in college and was terrified of going bald.  I mean seriously terrified.  This was probably in about 1998.  I went to a doctor and got the Propecia prescription and the rest is history.  I have hair.  Not as much as you, but I have plenty.  The stuff isn’t cheap though, roughly $70 per month.  So I have spent about 10 thousand dollars in the past 11 years to keep my hair.  I really need to find a wife so I can start putting this money towards something else.

Here is a tip for all of my balding brothers.  A good addition to taking Propecia is using this shampoo called Nizoral.  It’s an anti dandruff shampoo that has also been proven to re-grow hair.  I started using it a couple of months ago and it has made a difference.  You can just get the non-prescription kind.  There, don’t ever say I didn’t do anything for you.

Funny Google Searches Of The Month:

Only a couple here to report right now.  There have been a lot of “farm animal porn” searches that have gotten people to kduce.com and there was a new one this month, a “house cleaning porno” search.  I kind of like this one.  I didn’t know that was a porn category.  I’ve never run in to a sexy cleaning lady before but hey, I’m sure they’re out there.

On a sad note, I was looking at my site stats and only one person came to kduce.com yesterday.  One person out of the billions who have internet access.  Terrible.  It was probably one of Jimmy Fallon’s staff writers looking for a joke.  Sorry sucker, this lazy guy hasn’t written any new jokes lately.  I’m still gunning for you Jimmy.  Watch your ass.

 

Keep on the look out for my second annual massive NBA preview.  I am also toying with a Fall movie preview.

One more thing.  I watched the Blue Angels show yesterday.  They are amazing, but at the same time kind of pointless and sort of a waste, right?  How much does each one of those planes cost?  Like 50 million?  What is their purpose aside from putting on a show and polluting the city with excessive noise for an entire weekend?  There were 6 six Blue Angels worth roughly a total of 300 million (I’m making this up, but it has to be a big number).  What if we just didn’t build these and put that money towards healthcare, education or anything really that will help society.  The only thing we use these planes for now is to show the world that we have the biggest dick.  Look world.  We have so much fire power that we can use these 6 highly sophisticated jets for pure entertainment.  It’s just silly.

 

Oh, and I could use a little advice.  The smell of microwave popcorn gives me violent headaches and makes me extremely nauseous.  People at my work are always popping this stuff which I guess is well within their right.  Or is it?  I mean one bag of this stuff smells up the entire floor.  Wouldn’t it be the same thing if I stunk up the floor by microwaving a big bag of crap if it was something that I actually liked to eat?  So should I say something or just sabotage the microwave (leaning towards option 2) which I never use anyway?  Any other ideas are appreciated.