Since I am a man of the people, who is here for the people, I would like to do a public service and uncover one of the great lies of our culture. I do this because I feel that it is my duty to keep my people from being mislead and steered down the wrong path. This lie sounds warm and fuzzy and really sweet. It also sounds like the kind of bullshit that people tell their ugly friends so they don’t take a shot of Drano or jump in front of a bus. This is of course is – THERE IS SOMEONE OUT THERE FOR EVERYONE.

You know what I am talking about. When you were 13 and got dumped by some chick or dude that you thought you would end up marrying and having kids with; your mom tells you that he or she was just not that special someone.

“So mom,” you asked. “How will I know when I find that special one?”

“You will just know,” she answers. “Just like I knew when I met your father.”

You can then go ahead and bring that up to her a few years later after she handed your father the divorce papers. I guess dad was lucky; he had two special someones….at least two. And maybe your mom decided that her special someone was a little blue pill. I am probably starting to sound like a bitter and jaded old fart but that couldn’t be further from the truth, so let me give you some reasoning behind my little theory.

First things first. I want to shut down the religious aspect of this lie. As a child I once heard someone say that God creates someone for everyone. He (or she, I don’t want to offend anyone) makes two people, a man and a woman who were born to love one another. Well, what if you are a guy and the chick that God has created for you is a lesbian? Gets a little tricky, doesn’t it? According to most Christians, people choose to be gay. Heaven forbid God to create anyone gay. I mean, why would he create someone that he is going to automatically have to throw to the flames of hell without giving them even a little bit of a chance? I guess that’s a different topic for a different time. Back to my point. So, if the person God created for you would rather date your sister, I guess you’re screwed. Maybe that is part of God’s plan. If everyone found that special someone, where would he find the nuns and priests? One of the problems here is that some priests out there think they find that special someone a little bit later in life, and their special someone is a little early on in their life. And usually that special someone’s name is Timmy or something along those lines. This can really goof up the chances of “Timmy” looking for his special someone when he grows up. I guess that whole situation will create another priest or nun… or inmate. It’s all in the master plan.

Something else the Christians do to make this claim illegitimate is this whole no sex before marriage rule. Now, maybe I am a modernist, but it is my thought that you should NEVER marry anyone that you haven’t had sex with first. These are things that you really need to consider before you choose to spend the rest of your life with someone. If you and your designated special someone have some sex and are not compatible in bed, then God probably did not make you two for each other. Sorry. Maybe she’s uncomfortable with oral sex and you love giving it as much as you love getting it. That could get frustrating – it’s time to start looking again. What if she’s into to wild stuff and you’re not coordinated enough to do more than two positions? Not a good match. What if you are normal sized in the pants and her area is a tad wider than normal? I’m sure neither of you are going to get a whole lot of pleasure out of that. And what if it’s the opposite situation? That could be painful. You are obviously not physically compatible and so God could not have made the two of you for one another; unless of course he has a very morbid sense of humor. So Christians, how are we supposed to find this out if we can’t get after it a bit before we start exchanging vows?

These arguments don’t apply to just Christians, but I feel like they are the worst offenders of the lie so I laid it on a little thick. I do have other points that are not God related. I’ll break it down scientifically for you. As small as people say the world is these days, it’s still a big place filled with a bunch of people. 99.9% of them are people that you really have only a .001% chance of meeting. Out of that .001% only about half of them are the opposite sex. If you are homosexual your odds decrease. So, with the huge population and the minimal opportunity to meet most of the people in the huge population, the chances of you meeting that person who is out there for you and only you is next to impossible. We’ll do an experiment here to prove my point. Let’s just say this whole thing isn’t a lie and you are a white frat boy from Kentucky. Now let’s say that the one person who is out there for you, the woman who will love you unconditionally resides in a small village in Botswana. You’re a frat boy from Kentucky; you don’t even know where Botswana is. For the sake of argument, we’ll pretend that you do find her village, what next? You don’t speak the same language and you don’t understand each other’s cultures. Worst of all, if you try to sweep her off of her feet, her dad will probably chop your nuts off. What if he doesn’t? What if you are able to take her home to Kentucky? I’m sure she’ll love it there and I’m sure your parents will love the hell out of her too. We all know how much folks from Kentucky enjoy the company of Africans. So, I guess all that I am saying is, even if this person would be your perfect match, it could not and would not work. Don’t buy into it.

I am telling you this for a reason. I’m trying to help you. Don’t just wait around for that one person who was supposedly made just for you because you’ll die waiting. It’s just not reality. You’re lucky or you’re not. You either like someone who likes you back or you like someone who thinks you’re bum. Maybe you don’t like anyone at all and maybe no one likes you. Such is life. You can’t do a thing about it. You just have to make it happen yourself. Maybe you’ll fail but who knows, there’s a good chance you won’t. Although I think you’d be wrong, you can call me a pessimist if you want, but you can’t call me a liar. There you have it. Light has been shed on one of the great lies of our society. Let’s grab a sandwich!