kduce.com

I’ve had kind of a funny day so far.  I went to get a haircut and there was a guy two chairs down from getting his cut.  I heard his barber ask in a surprised voice, “So you want me to shorten up the top and leave the back long?”  The guy enthusiastically replied, “You got it!”  It doesn’t matter where you are, there’s always going to be someone rocking a mullet.  Thank God for them.  By the way, after the haircut my beard is way too long for my hair which has added more humor and funny looks to my day.  I wish I brought a hat.

After the cut I wondered around a little bit looking someplace new to grab a sandwich.  I stumbled upon a little hole in the wall “Italian” place obviously being run by an older Asian couple.  Anyway, I got a chicken parm sandwich (with no cheese of course) that was average at best.  The thing that cracked me up was when I was waiting for the sandwich.  I had nothing to read on me so I was just looking around.  There was a sign on the bathroom door that read “Restrooms For Customers Only”.  Nothing weird about that, but under it was another sign that read “Or Available for $2:00”.  You have to love the entrepreneurial spirit.

Lastly, I was having some computer issues here in the office and was getting extremely confused and baffled over the situation.  I let out a sigh and a, “what do I do?”  My good friend who sits across from me said, “It sounds like you’re in a little bit of a pickle.”  I was definitely frazzled and responded out loud in front of my mostly female coworkers, “Yes I do have a little pickle… wait a minute.”  An eruption of embarrassed giggles and laughter ensued.  Maybe you had to be there.

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For those of you who have been long time readers of my blog may remember when I first got started I wrote a lot about North Face clothes, and how way too many people wear them.  It started in my very first post on 2/20/08, then continued on 2/21/08 and 2/28/08.  It has also probably been mentioned a handful times since.  Anyway, I guess I am not alone.  My friend Jason sent me a link to this new clothing line which is a direct parody of The North Face.  It’s called The South Butt. Check them out.  Here is their disclaimer…

“We are not in any fashion related to nor do we want to be confused with The North Face Apparel Corp. or its products sold under “The North Face” brand. If you are unable to discern the difference between a face and a butt, we encourage you to buy North Face products”

This to me is absolutely hilarious.  I read that The North Face actually filed a lawsuit against them.  South Butt, consider yourself endorsed by kduce.com!  You are doing God’s work.  I may have to get me a jacket.  It is smart asses like you that remind me why I spend time writing this crap.

As a side note, it was fun and maybe even a little sad reading those old posts.  It’s the first time I have done that.  It’s only been two years, but those posts seem like an eternity ago.  Thanks to everyone who continues to give me their undeserving support.  I think I may do a retrospective one of these days and comment on some of my favorites.

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Because I am being a little nostalgic, I thought I would hit you up with a “funny google searches of the week” post.  Here is a refresher of what this is.  I am able to get stats as to what people search for to get to my site.  Because of some of the off-center things I write about, some interesting searches will lead people to kduce.com.  Some of them are funny enough to share.  I love to try to imagine what weirdo is googling this stuff.  I first wrote about this on Back on 4/30/09.  I am also going to include some referring sites.  A referring site is a site that for whatever reason has a link to my site that someone can click on and get to kduce.com.  So here we go…

I am still getting quite a bit of people typing in various things looking for hidden urinal pictures.  This is still the most disturbing, but I have touched on it so many times, that I don’t feel the need to anymore.  Here are a couple more, “sexting funny”, “learning disabilities resume” and “movie characters with learning disabilities”.  Not the funniest batch ever (I can only look back at the last ten searches), that is why I wanted to add these referring sites.  There are two that really stick out, ratemyporn.com and onlineviagrapill.com.  That’s right folks, kduce.com has made it to a porn site.  I don’t know how or why and I don’t know whether to be proud or ashamed, but it’s there.  I haven’t checked it out yet but I will eventually get to it (for investigative purposes only of course).  And how did I get on a boner pill website?  What are they trying to say?  Obviously they haven’t met me, because, well… maybe I should stop.

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I will end on the Super Bowl.  I would love to give you my prediction, but I am in a pool and I don’t want the two people ahead of me to know my pick yet.  I will just say that I am predicting one team to win and the other will most likely lose.  Who really cares about the game though?  We are going to be BBQing up a mountain of food.  In fact, we’ll be getting started tomorrow night.  I plan on chronicling this and posting this annual culinary extravaganza on http://www.kuchbros.com.  Most importantly, everyone have a great time on Sunday and be safe.  No boozing and cruising, and remember when you are about to crack open your 15th beer at 8:00 that you have to work tomorrow.

Be on the lookout for a post I am researching right now and hope to get up soon.  It’s a great “what if” regarding the University of Arizona basketball team and a player they could have signed a while back but didn’t. 

Also look for my comments on the economic situation of Kabul and the troubling lack of healthcare for domesticated ferrets.

By the way, Zombie Land was pretty damn entertaining.  Not making my top 10 list for the year or anything but it’s short and will make you laugh.  And I usually hate gore and zombie movies.

Thanks for stopping by everyone.  Take care of yourself, and each other.

This is just a quick fix to my top five movies of the year list.  I totally forgot about Away We Go.  I did a small write up about it on the bottom of my 6/15/09 post.  I can’t believe how overlooked this movie has been, especially since seeing the Golden Globe nominations.  How Maya Rudolph wasn’t nominated over Julia Roberts, Sandra Bullock or Meryl Streep for Best Actress in a Comedy is beyond me. She’s had one of the best lead actress performances of the year that I have seen so far.  This movie could have easily been nominated for Best Comedy.  Maybe it’s because it came out in June, maybe because it’s as much of a drama as it is a comedy; I have no idea.  Regardless, it’s very well done and now available on DVD.  Check it out.

I said that Star Trek shouldn’t get too comfortable in the five spot, but it was knocked out sooner than I expected.  I am actually moving Sugar to five and putting Away We Go at the four spot.  So my revised top five list is as follows…

1. Fantastic Mr. Fox
2. Inglorious Bastards
3. Up in the Air
4. Away We Go
5. Sugar

As I said before, I will revise this list again once I have seen everything.  Have a great New Years!

An open letter to the writing staff for Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Jimmy Fallon Writing Staff,

First off I want to let you know that I am a fan of Jimmy Fallon.  Not really a big fan, but a fan none the less.  Since he first showed up on SNL I’ve always found him funny.  Because of this; on the off chance that I am awake to watch his late night show, I will.  Last Friday night (September, 25 2009) I was up flipping through the channels and stopped on NBC once I saw he was on.  He had just finished up his opening monologue when he started to do one of his thank you note bits.  Before I continue, I want you to read this blurb from my blog (www.kduce.com) that I wrote on April 30, 2009 (click here to read the entire post)…

“If you are wearing headphones and can’t hear yourself fart, it doesn’t mean that no one else can.  I was waiting for the bus the other day and this guy had his headphones on and was rocking out.  I was behind him as we were walking on the bus and he dropped a loud fart and just kept rocking out as if nothing happened.  If someone driving a semi truck runs over a kid but didn’t see it because he’s up so high from the ground; it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.  Say excuse me!”

Now, take a look at this clip of the bit from the 9/25 show (the bit begins at roughly the 5 minute and 30 second mark of the episode).  You will see that the thank you note that Jimmy wrote to the guy farting while listening to his iPod is eerily similar to the joke that I wrote above… 5 months ago.  Also I find it to be quite a “coincidence” that in this same bit he does a joke that has something to do with standing at a urinal, when in my same post on 4/30, I have a couple of jokes about urinals.  Again, my headphone fart and urinal jokes are in the same post and Jimmy’s headphone fart and urinal jokes are in the same bit.  Again, mine was first.  Again, I write jokes about farts and urinals.  

So I am not coming right out and accusing you of plagiarism.  All I am saying is the similarities are there and very apparent.  If one of you did come to my site and use one of my jokes I highly doubt that would admit it.  I rarely see the show, so I have no idea if this is the first time this has happened.  For all I know you have been coming to my site and ripping off my silly commentary ever since the show started.  (I will be looking in to this by the way)  Aren’t you professional comedy writers?  Is it that difficult to come up with a few jokes every day for Jimmy to spit out on the show?  If it is, I would be more than happy to come up with jokes to use on a daily basis, but only if I am put on the payroll.  How did you come across my site anyway?  It’s not like my site has hit the big time and is the talk of New York.  I probably average about 10 hits a day.  Come on, tell me the truth.  Were you the person who Google searched “hidden urinal camera” and were disappointed to get to my blog rather than a site that allows you to watch some guy take a pee?  Then, when searching around for the pee videos that are obviously not there you ran across a couple of jokes and thought to yourself, “Hmm, Jimmy hasn’t been using much of my stuff lately.  I’ve got a little writers block.  These seem funny enough.  This K-Duce guy will never have any idea…”  Then you wrote the jokes down, re-worded them a bit, gave them to Jimmy and went right back to searching the web for pictures and videos of guys taking a leak.  I’m close, right?

In closing, I want you know that I am not mad.  I just feel like I should be compensated if you are using my blog as a well when your own joke ideas run dry.  I work a job that I would leave at the drop of a fart if you would like me to come out to New York and join your writing team.  Most of all I am just looking for honesty.  I have sent Jimmy a FaceBook message and sent an email to the Late Night blog team.  I have still not heard back.  I was really hoping to keep this issue between us, but because of your lack of a response I was forced to post this letter on my blog and share it with my other 6 readers.  Well them and any other pervert who happens to be searching for “hidden urinal cameras”.  Please respond soon or I will have to find other means to get this information to you and anyone else for that matter.  I wish you the best of luck with your show and look forward to hearing from you.

Kyle

Chief Editor

www.kduce.com

Hello. Since this is the first official post on my blog, I thought it would be a good idea to give you a brief introduction as to who I am. I’m not too sure why I feel the need to do this considering anyone that comes to this site probably already knows me. I suppose I am just humoring myself.

My name is Kyle. I am 30 years old, live in San Francisco and have a bald spot. I work for a financial company doing web stuff. The ironic thing about that is I know absolutely nothing about the world of finance and I really don’t know too much stuff about the web; at least not enough to get paid for it. None the less they hired me and pay me mediocre at best salary to sit at a desk all day and get pushed around by various investor relations professionals from various companies for various reasons. I complain a lot but it’s not that horrible. I have worked at much worse places, but there probably is a reason why the average employee is giving their two weeks notice before receiving their first annual 2 % raise. Read the rest of this entry »