kduce.com

I know that it has been a very long time, but just when you thought I was going to leave you alone it’s time for a new post.  I am going to claim that I have been really busy and that’s why there hasn’t been a new post on here for so long, but it probably has more to do with being lazy.  I have been extremely busy at work which is probably the biggest reason for the hiatus.  Did I just openly admit that I do the majority of the writing for this blog at work?    I guess I did.

Recently I have had an unusually large number of people register for this site.  At first I thought it was pretty cool that random people from who knows where were reading.  The unusual thing about all of these newly registered readers though is that all of their user names are pretty much nonsensical words or just various letters that don’t really go together.  Their email addresses are the same thing.  This led me to believe that maybe these are spammers trying to get garbage posted in to the comments section of the posts.  I am able to get some stats on the site so I went in to that program hoping to get some answers on these mysterious kduce.com members.  I found nothing.  But I did find something else that was sort of interesting and actually a little disturbing. 

First the back story.  On March 5th I wrote about how I was standing at one of the urinals in my office bathroom when I noticed a booger on the wall.  Ok, that’s really all of the back story that you need for this.  On this stats page I am able to see what someone typed in to google or yahoo or whatever to get to my page.  One of the searches that got some weirdo who is somewhere in this world to www.kduce.com was, “hidden urinal camera pics of men”.  I shit you not.  Apparently me writing about standing at a urinal got someone who was searching for hidden pictures of guys taking a piss to my site.  I don’t know about you; but I think one of the last things I would ever want to see is a direct shot of some guy’s package unloading the beer he drank 30 minutes ago directly in to the pisser.  There is no way for me to even guess who this sicko is.  It could be someone in Texas just as easily as it could be someone in India.  It could be a man or woman.  It could be a 79 year old lady or a 9 year old boy for all I know.  What I do know is this…  Fellas, next time you are standing at a urinal going to the bathroom, make sure you aren’t being watched.  There is at least one person out there in this crazy mixed up world that wants to watch YOU pee. 

I am going to monitor this because I find it sort of funny and interesting.  I think I’ll start a new feature like google search of the week or something.  A couple more I found interesting were “sex-ting”.  I wrote a post about sexting some time back and I guess some pervert was searching for the naked pictures that these high school kids take of themselves with their camera phones.  There was also one where someone searched for “adam toftoy”.  There was an Adam Toftoy that I went to college with whose name was mentioned by user in the comments section of one of my posts.  I wonder if Adam googled himself and saw someone mention his name on my site.  Who knows, but it kind of makes me laugh.

A couple things…

I shaved my beard last week and everyone at work keeps asking me if I got a haircut.  When I actually do get my haircut, nobody ever asks if I shaved my beard.  If I came in to the office naked, would people ask if I’ve been working out?  Not likely, but you get what I’m saying.

If you are wearing headphones and can’t hear yourself fart, it doesn’t mean that no one else can.  I was waiting for the bus the other day and this guy had his headphones on and was rocking out.  I was behind him as we were walking on the bus and he dropped a loud fart and just kept rocking out as if nothing happened.  If someone driving a semi truck runs over a kid but didn’t see it because he’s up so high from the ground; it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.  Say excuse me!

I am always amazed by the human body.  It’s just so perfect how everything internally and externally works so flawlessly.  The other day I was thinking about how great it is that the part of your body that you sit on is also the part of your body that is the most cushioned.  The ass was designed to sit on.  It’s fascinating.  The body isn’t built to sit on anything else, it just so happens that the thing you sit on has the most cushion.  Are people with bigger butts more comfortable sitting down than people with eating disorders?  It also just so happens that this is the part of your body where you unload your waste.  This allows you to do it sitting down without making a mess.  Imagine if it came out your armpit.  How awkward would that be?  And how great is it that your nose is so far away from there?  Science is something else.

Have any of you seen the IBM commercials where they keep talking about petaflops?  I think it’s some sort of supercomputer or some super speed that a supercomputer can run at.  I’m not sure and I don’t really care enough to look it up.  The thing that got me is; would you really want to feature this word in your commercials?  It sounds a lot like pedophile to me.  Do you really want your company associated with pedophiles?  Do you IBM?  Maybe they are hoping to sell computers to the guy who google searched sexting. 

Thanks for coming by everyone.  I do understand the maturity level of this post is at roughly a 15 year old boy level, but these are the things that I think about.  I’m not sure what that says about me, but I am not nearly as concerned about it as my parents are.  Stay tuned, I hope to get the top 100 movie countdown going again soon along with many other very interesting topics that I am sure you’ll want to discuss with your friends and family.  Probably while eating dinner.

Just a couple of things that I felt like mentioning today…

I saw a headline the other day that went along the lines of, “Bachelor Fans Outraged by Show’s Season Finale”.   I can’t find the exact article, but I am assuming that it is similar to this one.  I say assume because I didn’t actually read it.  In fact, I never watched an episode so I wouldn’t even know who any of the people on it are even if I was trapped in an elevator with them.  I don’t know what happened on the finale and there really isn’t anything in this world that is less important to me.  My point is this.  Anyone who was “outraged” by what happened on this show is a loser.  I think I saw an episode or two some years back, and all I can remember is that they pretty much trot out the bottom of the humanity barrel for these shows.  For people to really be outraged by what any of them do is an utter waste of time and makes me want to move to Iceland.  How about being outraged by things that really matter like the fact that there are people out there who listen to and are influenced by Rush Limbaugh or that after two solid years the Golden State Warriors have slipped back in to being one of the worst franchises in sports.  Ok, that’s all I really have to say about that.  Off to more pressing matters…

I was standing at one of the urinals at my work, looking at the wall when I noticed a booger sticking to it right behind the flusher.  A booger?  Really?  You can’t just wait two seconds and grab a paper towel?  I know it must get old hearing me bitch about the cleanliness of my office bathroom, but I have to be here eight hours a day.  There are times where it is as gross as the bathrooms in my high school were.  I mean how many professional adults are wiping their boogers on walls these days?  Again, I suspect it was one of the sales guys who had a quick brain fart and thought they were in the frat house.

So I promise not to talk about the office bathroom for at least the rest of this month.  Also, be on the lookout for my Major League Baseball preview and predictions that should be posted in the next few weeks.  Also, I should have the top 100 movie list countdown back up soon and a small NCAA Basketball tourney preview up after the brackets are announced.  Peace out!

It’s been a little while; I have been sort of busy and haven’t been able to update the site.  You’d think after a few weeks off I would have a ton to say, but I really don’t.  I keep a bunch of notes in my phone when I have ideas for stuff to write about and then when I go back to my notes I have no idea what they mean.  I’m sure it’s all riveting stuff, so I have to take down some better notes I guess.  So this post is mostly just some house cleaning items, and I’ll be back to my regularly scheduled diarrhea of the mouth shortly.

First thing is my movie countdown will gear back up shortly.  I was about to write the review for the #82 movie when I realized that I hardly remember it.  The only thing I really remember is how much I liked it.  It’s at the top of my Netflix queue and I plan on watching it this week so I can write a more informed review on it.

I was updating my McAfee anti-virus protection on my computer the other day and it took forever.  While I was waiting for everything to install, I kept thinking to myself how much more fun life would be if they came up with an anti-virus protection product for humans.

Speaking of McAfee, since I installed the update I feel like my computer runs 10 times slower.  I don’t get it.

I have been receiving a disturbing number of spam emails from porn sites lately.  I’m not sure exactly why this is happening.  Either a friend of mine was trying to be clever and signed me up for some mailing list or they are really trying to capitalize on people staying in while the economy is having such a hard time.  The most disturbing thing about these emails is the subject line for the vast majority of them.   More than half have something to do with farm animals doing inappropriate things to teenage girls.  I know that there are a lot of people out there that are in to a lot of freaky things, but is there really that big of a market out there of people who like to see 18 years olds engaged in various sex acts with horses and pigs?  Call me a prude if you want, but I really hope not.  I wish I could list off some of these subject lines because they really are hilarious.   I have to draw the line somewhere.  Aside from the livestock porn, there have been a lot of subject lines involving celebrities.  A couple of examples are, “see Jennifer Aniston’s dressing room hidden camera pics” and there was also something about watching Angelina Jolie go to the bathroom.  Are there really people out there gullible enough to believe that some sneaky pervert caught this stuff with a hidden camera?  I seriously want to know.  I’m sure I have a few readers that would know.  Probably from personal experience.  I don’t know; different strokes for different folks I guess… literally.  Oh, I also keep getting one where the subject lines say, “Cutie Needs Sugar Daddy”.  They obviously don’t know how much I make because I have no business being anyone’s sugar daddy. 

I am really not happy with my new blue jeans.  I got my last couple pairs at Lucky and have really liked them, but this pair really bothers me.  They seemed to fit better in the store and the guy that worked there said they were a perfect fit.  They aren’t tight at all, but not as baggy as I would like them to be.  Also, the pockets are so damn small.  It’s almost impossible to fit my wallet, phone, ipod and keys in the pockets.  It’s a huge pain in the ass to try and pull my phone out when it’s ringing.  I go in to grab my phone and either everything falls out or it’s like trying to pull Kirstie Alley’s hand out of the cookie jar.  It’s been driving me crazy.

I know I harp on this a lot, but is it really that hard to flush a public or office toilet or urinal?  Do you really think people want to see and smell your piss?  There are ways to do it without using your hand.  I usually will use my foot for flushers that are close to the ground or my elbow for flushers that are higher up.  You can also maybe grab a paper towel and cover your hand with it.  You really should be washing your hands when you’re done too.

As a follow up to yesterday’s post, I can’t wait until we hear Joaquin Phoenix using rap slang in interviews.  He already said “hip hop heads” in one interview.  Wait until he starts calling things fly or whack.  It’ll be hilarious coming out of his mouth.

Interviewer:  So when does your first tour start?  Are you excited?

Joaquin Phoenix:  Word up!  It’s gonna be dope.  We’re fixin to get started the the first of next month.  Gonna hit up all the fly clubs.  Those crowds are gonna be hype!

It’s just unreal.  Also, what’s his rap name going to be?  MC Joaquin has a nice ring to it, but it’s not that original.  Is he going to be old school or rap like the new guys?  He’s 34, not exactly the age of up and coming rappers.  Anyway – I was just thinking about this on my way to work today and couldn’t stop laughing about it.

So I have received a couple of emails calling the 1/22/09 post about my TV show idea sexist and demeaning.  I really couldn’t disagree more, but because I am all about freedom of speech and opinion I will let you know what the disgruntled ladies had to say…

“Women have been trivialized and made in to sex objects in almost every form of entertainment and now you want to do it to cooking shows too.  Next thing you are going to want to do is have the women on The View come out topless and in g-strings.  You are just like every other man who keeps his brain in his pants rather than his head.  You want to toss a young woman in a tank of water with no use of her legs?  What kind of a sick man are you?”

-Janet

Norristown, Pennsylvania.

Thank you for your email Janet.  The first thing I can tell you is that the last thing I want to see are any of the women from The View in any way except for completely covered by clothes.  You are correct; the woman in the water tank would have no use of her legs.  She’d be dressed like a mermaid so how could she?  But there would be no lid on the tank or anything; I would just get one of my girls who is a strong enough swimmer to tread water for a half hour with her arms.  She’d be fine.

“Why are men never objectified on television like this?  It’s always the women who are trotted out in front of the camera in skimpy outfits and never the men.  Why don’t you do the show in a thong if you are going to have the women in little bikinis? “

-Lisa

Fairfield, Ohio

You are clearly missing my point and intentions here Lisa, but thank you very much for the email.  Look, you don’t want to see me in a thong.  No one does.  Have you ever seen your grandfather in a thong?  It wouldn’t be all that different.  Now I would have absolutely no problem if you wanted to start a cooking show where you cooked and had some young strapping men shirtless and in some Chip n’ Dale dancer type outfit to assist you.  Feel free and all power to you.  I don’t think there is a man out there that will care or be offended.  Here’s the thing.  Men in general are more perverted than women.  I’m not saying this is always the case, but it is usually the case.  That’s why there are more nudie magazines with women posing than men, more strip clubs with women stripping than men and more television with scantily clad women then scantily clad men.  It’s just the way it is.

In short, this show would be done in a tasteful manner and there is no reason for anyone to be offended by it.  I am still looking for someone to finance this, so if you know anyone please let me know. Read the rest of this entry »

I just wanted to circle back really quick about my trip to Supercuts yesterday.  The lady who cut my hair did not do a “fine” job.  Looking at it a day later; it looks terrible.  It’s completely uneven and she gave me a little pocket mullet.  I would like to shave the whole thing off, but I am afraid it would never grow back.  Damn Supercuts.

WHY I LOVE SAN FRANCISCO:

  The lesbian couple that is always making out in front of my work building.  It’s not like they are anything to look at (it’s pretty brutal out there), but the fact that they can feel comfortable getting it on in front of everyone.  This isn’t just heavy petting going on…

I got a response from a friend regarding the post on 1/16/2009 where I gave a recipe for Old Kentucky Skirt Steaks.  Thanks for reading Kevin.  He said that I should start a cooking show.  I think that is an excellent idea and something I have actually thought about before.  The name of the show would be called, What’s Cookin’ Good Lookin’.  Here is how it would work.  It would be your standard Food Network type cooking show with a couple of very slight modifications.  The first one is of course that I would be the host.  I am a solid cook, with some good recipes and am very good in front of the camera if I do say so myself.  The setting of the show would be in a kitchen that is connected to a room with some couches, a TV and stereo.   There would also be episodes that take place in the back yard with the BBQ grill or smoker.  Nothing out of the ordinary, right?  This is where the Good Lookin’ part of the title comes in to play.  The second modification is that I would have some assistants.  These assistants would be two women (and I would obviously have about 5 or 6 that I would rotate in and out of every show) probably under the age of 27 and definitely under the age of 30 (no offense to you more mature ladies, I just need some girls who are better at taking orders) that wear very little outfits.  I mean very very little outfits.  We would have themes like tailgate BBQ where the girls would wear cheerleader outfits.  We could do a seafood theme where maybe one of the girls is in a bikini and we dress up the other like a mermaid and put her in a big tank of water in my kitchen.  Maybe a breakfast show where I cook the food, then get back in to bed and the girls can serve it to me in lingerie.  If you use your imagination here the possibilities are truly endless.  So if any of you out there have the means to produce a TV show or connections with the Food Network (or maybe the Playboy Channel), give me a call and we can make this happen.  This is a can’t miss, right?  Read the rest of this entry »

Hello everyone.  I hope you all had a good New Years and 2009 is starting out ok for you.  The first thing I want to do is apologize to the girl with the small head I saw at a bar on Polk Street last Friday.  I wasn’t making fun of her, but I was pointing her out to my friends and looking in amazement at how small her head was.  I am not one to talk.  I have a really big head.  I mean, her head was smaller than mine is big but none the less.  She was dancing, laughing and seemed to be having a great time.  So I think we should all be really happy for her that she hasn’t let that small head hold her back.  I think a good New Years resolution for me would be to keep comments about other’s appearances to myself; especially if it is a physical appearance that they can’t help.  If someone is really dressed like and idiot though or has made a really bad hair choice, I think a little ripping is still appropriate.  Read the rest of this entry »

I logged in to my hotmail account this morning and MSN had this article posted about how teens these days are sending naked picture of themselves to each other over email and text messages.  While I understand the concern here for parents, I couldn’t help but laugh.  The first thing that struck me as funny is how they call it “sex-ting”.  The names people give things these days are hilarious. Apparently 22% of teen girls are texting, or excuse me sex-ting guys naked picture of themselves.  Man did I miss out in high school.  That would be 2 out of every 10 girls sending these pictures out.  Granted, I doubt any of them would have been sending these pictures to me; but my odds would be better than they were.  The thing that caught me off guard was 18 % of the guys are sending out racy pictures to their female classmates.  Now when I was in high school I hardly felt comfortable being naked in front of myself let alone sending naked pictures off to girls; but I guess the times, they are a changing.  It’s amazing how clueless kids can be.  This one girl mentions that she sent off a picture to a guy that was meant to be private and he sent it off to friends.  Duh!  Does she just have no idea of what the only thing that teenage boys care about is?  And does she have no idea of what the first thing any teenage boy is going to do as soon as he gets a naked picture of a girl sent to him?  He’s going to forward it to a few of his best friends and say…  “OMG, check this out!  LOL!  Don’t send this out to anyone else, but how awesome am I?”  Then the few friends he sends it to are going to send it to everyone they know.  All the sudden you’re there for the world to see.  An innocent little treat for your boyfriend all the sudden puts you up on porn sites next to all the skanks.  No one will know the difference.  Read the rest of this entry »

Hello everyone and happy Thanksgiving!  It’s been a little bit and I feel like I have a lot to go over with you.  It would be flat out wrong for me to not start out by saying how excited I am about the Presidential Election.  I know I am a month late here but I have been a busy man.   Not busy compared to many; but I am more easily overwhelmed than most.  I should probably dedicate an entire post to my thoughts on the decision our country so decisively made on November 4th, so I’ll keep this brief.  While I tried to keep race out of any discussion I had leading up to the election, after Obama’s victory it has to be commented on.  I was gleaming with pride that so many put their petty prejudices aside to vote for Barack on Election Day.  Let’s face it, racism is still alive and well in this country and will be for the foreseeable future.  But, what a huge step we as a country made.  For those of you out there with young children, your kids are not going to understand racism as we do just like we don’t understand it as our parents probably do.  They are going to grow up in those formidable years that shape how they think and who they are living under an African American President.  It really is a beautiful thing that is still so hard to grasp.  Obviously it was going to happen eventually, but even just a year ago I don’t think anyone saw it coming so soon.  And now that Barack Obama has been elected, can my Microsoft Word please recognize his name and stop underlining it in red like it’s a spelling error.  Martin Van Buren, Rutherford Hayes, Calvin Coolidge – no red lines under any of these Presidents’ names.  Does anyone have Bill Gates phone number so I can give him a call and have this updated?  Read the rest of this entry »