kduce.com

Hello everyone.  I only have a few things for you today, but I wanted to get through them before I forget. 

I saw ex-championship football coach and current commentator Jimmie Johnson on a commercial last night… for Extenze.  If you aren’t familiar with this product, watch the advertisement and it’ll become immediately obvious.  That’s right; Johnson who has multiple Super Bowl and National Championship titles as a coach and is currently on one of the most successful NFL pre-game shows is now the pitch man for penis enlargement pills, telling the men of America to, “Go long” with Extenze.  I would have to assume that Jimmie has plenty of money; I really want to know what they had to offer him to do this.  I mean, I would understand Viagra.  He’s an older guy, maybe he’s not getting the punch that he used to down there.  But this is just a little creepy.  Are we supposed to assume that little Jimmie is packing a big Johnson now?  Kinda gross.  And what made Extenze go to Jimmie Johnson to be their pitch guy?  You’d think they’d want to go younger.  Is it because no younger celebrity would set aside their pride to do it?  Or is it because his first and last name have both been used as slang terms for a penis in the past?  In the late nineties a few rappers such as A Tribe Called Quest, The Jungle Brothers and Digital Underground referred to condoms as “jimmie hats”.  And who can forget in The Big Lebowski when Flea was threatening to cut off The Dude’s “johnson”.   Whatever the case may be, this is really weird and apparently Coach Johnson now is appropriately named.

Here’s a question for all the ladies out there.  What’s up with the boots?  Did President Obama pass a law when he got in to office that every chick in the United States had to purchase a pair of big ass boots?  As I am walking around downtown I see more women and girls wearing boots than not.  They could be the Ugg boots, leather boots with all kinds of crazy buckles and straps, suede boots that kinda fold or ruffle up and a lot of the sleek black or brown boots that the business women tend to be more fond of.  I see the boots with skirts, shorts, under slacks and with leggings or jeans tucked in to the top of them.  You may ask yourself; does K-Duce have a weird foot fetish?  Why is he always looking at women’s feet?  Well I’ll answer you.  No, I don’t have a foot fetish.  The overwhelming amount of boots is just plain unavoidable.  I don’t have a problem with the boots; these are just the kinds of things I think about.  I hope Obama doesn’t pass a law that men have to start buying boots.  I’m not really a boot guy.  If I had to buy a pair though, I’d probably get some cowboy boots.  And I would definitely tuck my jeans in them.  There, I’m done.  If there is a record for the most amount of times the word boot was put in to a paragraph, I think I probably just landed at least in the top five.

I have a huge appreciation for the golden oldies.  I love music from the fifties and sixties like so many people do.  I was listening to Chuck Berry the other night and “Sweet Little Sixteen” came on.  I have heard this song a million times, and this was the first time that it kinda struck me as creepy.  What was up with sixteen year old girls back then?  Is it weird that all of these older singers were so in to them?  Was it legal for men over the age of eighteen to hook up with sixteen year old girls in 1959?  The Crests sang a famous song called “Sixteen Candles” where they called this girl their teenage queen.  One of my all time favorites Sam Cooke sang about falling in love with a girl who was “Only Sixteen”.  The great Ringo Staar said in a song, “You’re Sixteen” and you’re beautiful and you’re mine.  He was like thirty something when that song came out.  I don’t know the rules in England, but you’re not getting away with that in the good old U.S of A.  Dateline has made millions filming thirty something year old guys getting arrested for prowling after sixteen year old girls.  Anyway, these are just some of the bigger songs.  There were tons.  You’d think the songs would have been about girls turning eighteen, because you know… they’re legal.  Not that it’s appropriate either, I’m just sayen.  I am just glad that my daughter (who doesn’t exist) will grow up in time where there isn’t a bunch of perverted, pedophile pop singers out there.  Aside I guess from R. Kelly. 

So that’s it for today.  I hope everyone is well.

I’ve had kind of a funny day so far.  I went to get a haircut and there was a guy two chairs down from getting his cut.  I heard his barber ask in a surprised voice, “So you want me to shorten up the top and leave the back long?”  The guy enthusiastically replied, “You got it!”  It doesn’t matter where you are, there’s always going to be someone rocking a mullet.  Thank God for them.  By the way, after the haircut my beard is way too long for my hair which has added more humor and funny looks to my day.  I wish I brought a hat.

After the cut I wondered around a little bit looking someplace new to grab a sandwich.  I stumbled upon a little hole in the wall “Italian” place obviously being run by an older Asian couple.  Anyway, I got a chicken parm sandwich (with no cheese of course) that was average at best.  The thing that cracked me up was when I was waiting for the sandwich.  I had nothing to read on me so I was just looking around.  There was a sign on the bathroom door that read “Restrooms For Customers Only”.  Nothing weird about that, but under it was another sign that read “Or Available for $2:00”.  You have to love the entrepreneurial spirit.

Lastly, I was having some computer issues here in the office and was getting extremely confused and baffled over the situation.  I let out a sigh and a, “what do I do?”  My good friend who sits across from me said, “It sounds like you’re in a little bit of a pickle.”  I was definitely frazzled and responded out loud in front of my mostly female coworkers, “Yes I do have a little pickle… wait a minute.”  An eruption of embarrassed giggles and laughter ensued.  Maybe you had to be there.

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For those of you who have been long time readers of my blog may remember when I first got started I wrote a lot about North Face clothes, and how way too many people wear them.  It started in my very first post on 2/20/08, then continued on 2/21/08 and 2/28/08.  It has also probably been mentioned a handful times since.  Anyway, I guess I am not alone.  My friend Jason sent me a link to this new clothing line which is a direct parody of The North Face.  It’s called The South Butt. Check them out.  Here is their disclaimer…

“We are not in any fashion related to nor do we want to be confused with The North Face Apparel Corp. or its products sold under “The North Face” brand. If you are unable to discern the difference between a face and a butt, we encourage you to buy North Face products”

This to me is absolutely hilarious.  I read that The North Face actually filed a lawsuit against them.  South Butt, consider yourself endorsed by kduce.com!  You are doing God’s work.  I may have to get me a jacket.  It is smart asses like you that remind me why I spend time writing this crap.

As a side note, it was fun and maybe even a little sad reading those old posts.  It’s the first time I have done that.  It’s only been two years, but those posts seem like an eternity ago.  Thanks to everyone who continues to give me their undeserving support.  I think I may do a retrospective one of these days and comment on some of my favorites.

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Because I am being a little nostalgic, I thought I would hit you up with a “funny google searches of the week” post.  Here is a refresher of what this is.  I am able to get stats as to what people search for to get to my site.  Because of some of the off-center things I write about, some interesting searches will lead people to kduce.com.  Some of them are funny enough to share.  I love to try to imagine what weirdo is googling this stuff.  I first wrote about this on Back on 4/30/09.  I am also going to include some referring sites.  A referring site is a site that for whatever reason has a link to my site that someone can click on and get to kduce.com.  So here we go…

I am still getting quite a bit of people typing in various things looking for hidden urinal pictures.  This is still the most disturbing, but I have touched on it so many times, that I don’t feel the need to anymore.  Here are a couple more, “sexting funny”, “learning disabilities resume” and “movie characters with learning disabilities”.  Not the funniest batch ever (I can only look back at the last ten searches), that is why I wanted to add these referring sites.  There are two that really stick out, ratemyporn.com and onlineviagrapill.com.  That’s right folks, kduce.com has made it to a porn site.  I don’t know how or why and I don’t know whether to be proud or ashamed, but it’s there.  I haven’t checked it out yet but I will eventually get to it (for investigative purposes only of course).  And how did I get on a boner pill website?  What are they trying to say?  Obviously they haven’t met me, because, well… maybe I should stop.

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I will end on the Super Bowl.  I would love to give you my prediction, but I am in a pool and I don’t want the two people ahead of me to know my pick yet.  I will just say that I am predicting one team to win and the other will most likely lose.  Who really cares about the game though?  We are going to be BBQing up a mountain of food.  In fact, we’ll be getting started tomorrow night.  I plan on chronicling this and posting this annual culinary extravaganza on http://www.kuchbros.com.  Most importantly, everyone have a great time on Sunday and be safe.  No boozing and cruising, and remember when you are about to crack open your 15th beer at 8:00 that you have to work tomorrow.

Be on the lookout for a post I am researching right now and hope to get up soon.  It’s a great “what if” regarding the University of Arizona basketball team and a player they could have signed a while back but didn’t. 

Also look for my comments on the economic situation of Kabul and the troubling lack of healthcare for domesticated ferrets.

By the way, Zombie Land was pretty damn entertaining.  Not making my top 10 list for the year or anything but it’s short and will make you laugh.  And I usually hate gore and zombie movies.

Thanks for stopping by everyone.  Take care of yourself, and each other.