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So I have been busy studying (which thankfully will be over this week) and haven’t really had the time to add new content, so I thought maybe I would dig in to the archives and post some poems that I have written over various times over the last fifteen years.  I posted one of my favorites back in my 2/27/09 post and honestly got very little feedback.  Regardless, I am doing it again but am going to post a few of them this time.

This first one I wrote my senior year in high school while listening to Dark Side of the Moon at my friend Chris’s house.  I’m not exactly sure what I was thinking or what this is all about, but I always liked it.

THE BUNNY                                                       

In a dry field, there laid a bunny which
appeared dead.  I sat down next to it.
The bunny arose from its deep sleep.
In a fierce rage it ate off my foot,
and fed my toes to its children.
However my foot mysteriously grew back.

I wrote this next one for a poetry class that I was taking during my junior year of college.  I remember my teacher telling me that I was the least poetic person that he ever taught and that even though I blatantly ignored his advice on the rules and rhythm of poetry and kept writing these “smart ass things” (he didn’t want to call them poems) he couldn’t help give me anything lower than a B because they were original and made him laugh.  All of the other students were writing these dark and depressing poems about being dumped, or growing up fat or whatever.  One day I should really do a post about poetry majors in college.  They were an interesting bunch, wore lots of black.  I felt like I was at a Cure concert more than I did a college class.  Here’s an example of one of mine…   

QUALITY TELEVISION

In the late morning
Or in the late night
There is a program
Which brings T.V. to new heights
When flipping through the channels
You feel there’s no place to go
Check your local listings
For the Jerry Springer show

The show is about lost love
And people’s cheating ways
The drama will captivate you
For many many days
The cross dressers and strippers
Have oh so much class
And if you are lucky
A guest will show you their ass

If violence is your thing
This show is also for you
Do you want to see a fight?
There’s one every minute or two
When a brawl breaks out
Things don’t get too scary
The body guard breaks ‘em up
While the crowd chants “Jerry!”

Now you can forget Jenny Jones
And tell Rosie to go to hell
Geraldo has lost it
And how terrible is Montel?
Don’t tell me you miss
That old fart Donahue
Jerry has incest, love triangles
And twelve year olds banging people that are 72

Now everyone listen
To everything I have just said
Watch Springer nightly
While eating dinner or lying in bed
And forget about everything
Your teachers and parents ever taught
You will gain all the wisdom you need
From Jerry’s final thought

I wrote these next two poems while working for the marketing department at Monster Cable back in 2001.  We had a team meeting every week where everyone filled out this little sheet with their meeting items.  Since I was basically a grunt, I never had anything that I could add to the meeting.  So instead of writing some BS on the meeting spreadsheet I wrote little poems to lighten the mood.  Here are a couple examples…

Leroy

I knew this guy by the name of Ned
He looked more like a Leroy
But I called him Fred

Now Fred was looking for a girl to marry
I thought it’d be hard
‘cause his head was bald and his body, harry

He met a girl named Sheila while working in Bakersfield
She was drinking whisky
And dancing on his windshield

He said, “Hey there Sheila, tell me what’s your name?”
She said, “I’m Leroy.”
He said, “What a crazy world, mine’s the same.”

The two were wed just 2 short weeks later
They now live in Santa Fe, New Mexico,
with Leroy their pet alligator.

And…

Jake the Lonely Snake

Jake was a snake
That learned how to push a rake
So he could earn some extra cash
To buy some doughnuts and some hash
And take the ladies out
To slide and slither all about

But that Jake one day, he got lonely
He said, “I want a woman to be my one and only”
He’d look back at his earlier days
And decided to change his ways
So he slid back into his hole
To think and get advice from Murry the mole

He finely met a woman named Jenny
Her fangs were shiny like a new penny
He said, “baby I want to get with you”
She said, “forget it Jake we’re through”
He asked, “why baby? For goodness sake.”
She said, “because I want a doctor not some looser that pushes a rake”

Ok, last one for now.  This I wrote while I was unemployed after being laid off from that job at Monster Cable.  Maybe they didn’t like my poems.  I actually wrote a ton during this time of unemployment and like the poem I posted on 2/27/09, here’s an example.

NEVER DATE SOMEONE YOU RESCUED FROM A PORT-O-LET

I remember the day that you and I first met
I was locked inside of a port-o-let
You heard my screams and tore off the door
Then the thing tipped over and we were covered in feces galore
I called you my hero, then asked if I could take you to dinner
You gave me your number and said to call when I got thinner
I lost some weight and phoned but you wouldn’t return my calls
Then when we finely got together you broke your leg tripping over my balls
I apologized and explained that it happens all the time
We went to the hospital and I had no change for the meter so you leant me a dime
The doc called you in and said it was time for your x-ray
I asked if I could get one too, and he said maybe some other day
I told him to take extra special care of the girl I love
And then I asked him if I could have some of his rubber gloves
You were in a cast for seven or eight weeks
You wouldn’t talk to me but I had your name tattooed on my butt cheeks
I showed up at your place one night and asked if you would marry me
But I was greeted at the door by your new boyfriend Wing Phat Lee
You yelled that you thought I was sick from a window on the second floor
Then Wing Phat tai kwon doed my ass on the porch by the front door
I tried to see you but some crazy cop said you have a restraining order
Then I told the cop that it’s okay, I just have social anxiety disorder
I just kept on walking, until that pig threw me in jail
So you are my one phone call baby, I’m broke, do you mind paying my bail?

Ok, so I am no Robert Frost, but I never claimed to be.  By the way, he has one of my favorite all time quotes, “Fences make the best neighbors”.  I just think it’s funny.  I hope you enjoyed my poems or they at least killed a few boring minutes at work for you.  I’ll get some more up there some other time.  In the meantime, there will be more on the top 100 movie countdown and all the other stuff I usually do.  Stay dry out there.

What’s there to say about Return of the Jedi that hasn’t already been said?  It’s the third installment of one of the best two trilogies of all time; the other of course being The Godfather.  I’m saying it’s a trilogy because I don’t consider the three movies director George Lucas started in the late 90’s to be in the same group.  Yeah, some of the characters are the same; but they’re just different.  Anyway, I happen to like Jedi better than the original Star Wars.  Maybe it’s because when it came out, I was old enough to see it in the theater and know what I was watching.  I saw it in this shitty theater in Redwood City.  Needless to say, it was a huge event.  There is something to be said about the effects of all the Star Wars movies.  If they were made today they would be filled with CGI and the look would be, oh I don’t know… blah, sorta like the more recent Star Wars trilogy.  How Lucas was able to pull off using puppets and models to create these characters, spaceships and worlds is quite amazing.  What’s more amazing is how well it holds up.  You’ve all seen the movie and I would assume that most of you love it.  If you haven’t seen it, you’re weird.

Before I get in to the bulk of this post, I want to comment on something.  Facebook and Twitter were not built for you to tell the world about your personal problems.  I see posts where people give a vague statement that obviously means someone just cheated on them, or that they are heart broken or that they are pissed at someone. Please keep your personal business personal.  I also don’t care that you are going to the dry cleaner just like you wouldn’t care if I was “gettin’ a coffee ”. I don’t mind someone giving their opinion on something, but don’t post something obnoxious in an obvious attempt to anger people and start some debate.  I am going to try to start collecting some of these and putting them in a section called, Terrible Posts.  I encourage everyone to email any terrible, unintentionally funny or weird post they see and I will post them.  Obviously I won’t post anyone’s names.  Here is an example of a few posts I have seen or heard of recently…

XXX in the Drs office while my poor mom is having a Colonoscopy…poor mommy!

Umm…  I am sure that your mom truly appreciates you letting the world know that at the exact time people were reading that, she had doctors sticking stuff up her ass.  If you were my child, I would hope that you would keep that between people who are close to you.

XXX Thank god I got my period

A friend of mine sent me this one to me.  The fact that it was written by his college age cousin and her mom is one of her Facebook friends makes it worse.  This of course would be inappropriate to be written by anyone.  It’s none of our business.  Sure, we’re glad this worked out for you; but you’re letting us in on a part of your life that we really shouldn’t be involved in.  I’m sure her mother was proud.

XXX My ass is sore and my left wrist hurts… but I have no complaints. Snowboarding in Mammoth, life doesn’t get any better than this!

Are you sure you were snowboarding?

These are real posts.  Ok, nothing inappropriate about the last one.  Like I say though, unintentional comedy is also very welcome for this section.  Is it contradictory that I say that people shouldn’t be posting some of this stuff and I turn around and use it for jokes?  I don’t think so.  These are Anonymous and posted for the sake of humor and for me to make a point.  So feel free to send me stuff if you think it fits.

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I was watching the National Title game the other night when I saw an ad for the new Mel Gibson movie.  It’s called, The Edge of Darkness.  This looks a lot like the run of embarrassing movies he had in the 90’s such as Payback and Ransom.  I think the whole thing about him being somewhat blacklisted due to his unforgiving anti-Semitism and alcoholism may have overall been a good thing for Mel.  I say this because we have all sorta forgotten about him and how big of a schmuck he is.  It appears that he is now trying to make a comeback.  So before anyone blindly goes out to see any of his movies, I thought it would be a good idea to remind you all of how terrible he is; not only as a person, but as an actor.  Let’s start with some of the one-liners…

The ad for his new movie that I saw last night showed a quick snippet of a scene where he unleashes a one-liner that is sure to rank amongst his most embarrassingly hilarious of all time.  He’s pointing a gun at some guy sitting in car and in a “wicked” bad Boston accent says, “I’m the guy with nothing to lose… now fasten your seatbelt.”  I mean, this has to rank right towards his top right?  We’ll take a look at some of the classics and you can decide for yourself.

“We went for breakfast… in Canada. We made a deal; if she’d stop hookin’, I’d stop shooting people…  Maybe we were aiming high.” – From Payback

“I’m surprised you haven’t heard of me, I got a bad reputation, like sometimes I just go nuts like now ha ha!” – Lethal Weapon 2

“I’m not a cop tonight, Rog. This is personal.” – Lethal Weapon 2

“I’m a parent. I haven’t got the luxury of principles.” – The Patriot

And the granddaddy of them all…

“You kill him, you kill yourself, you motherfucker! GIVE ME BACK MY SON!” – (In the most intense intensity you can imagine) –Ransom

To this day, my friends and I quote the Ransom line on almost a weekly occurrence.  So we got some horrible Mel lines from some horrible Mel movies.  Most of his movies were horrible.  I was never really in to Braveheart (seriously, watch it again and I promise you will laugh) and the Lethal Weapon movies were ok for the time, but they didn’t age well.  Does the world really need a comeback from Mel Gibson?  Before you answer…

I just want to list off some things that Mel has said and done in the past.  Mel is a big time in to his Catholic religion, which is fine.  He was asked about non-Catholics not being able to get in to heaven.  Here is what he said…

“There is no salvation for those outside the Church … I believe it. Put it this way. My wife is a saint. She’s a much better person than I am. Honestly. She’s, like, Episcopalian, Church of England. She prays, she believes in God, she knows Jesus, she believes in that stuff. And it’s just not fair if she doesn’t make it, she’s better than I am. But that is a pronouncement from the chair. I go with it.”

So basically he says his wife won’t get in to heaven because she prays to Jesus differently than he does.  How did it take her until 2009 to divorce his ass?  Here is what he had to say when asked about gay people…

“They take it up the ass.” He said while pointing at his butt.  “This is only for taking a shit.”

Thanks for clearing that up Mel, classy guy.  Here is something he said to a Jewish police officer that pulled him over for drunk driving…

“”Fucking Jews… Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world. Are you a Jew?”

Wow Mel, wow.  You’re in the movie business and you are ripping homosexuals and Jewish people, not a great career move.  How does he still get work?  So do we really need more Mel Gibson movies?  Maybe if he was going to make a good one we’d give him a pass; I just don’t see it happening.  We already spoke about The Edge of Darkness.  His next movie to come out is called The Beaver.  Here is the plot synopsis from IMDB…

A guy walks around with a puppet of a beaver on his hand and treats it like a living creature.

Sounds good, huh?  Jodi Foster is directing and I assume she cast him as a favor.  They are old friends.  After that, he is making a movie called How I Spent My Summer Vacation.  Here’s the synopsis…

A career criminal (Gibson) nabbed by Mexican authorities is placed in a tough prison where he learns to survive with the help of a 9-year-old boy.

What is a 9-year-old boy doing in prison?  Anyway, in his defense he has just cast Leo DiCaprio for his next directorial effort which is impressive.  It’s a movie about Viking culture.  Can’t wait.  So basically I saw a commercial last night for a stupid movie and it reminded me how much of a joker Mel Gibson is.  I can’t believe I just wasted my time and yours writing about him.  The quotes are funny though.  Oh… and to answer my own question.  No.  We probably don’t need any more of Mel Gibson.

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Speaking of movie slayers, check out the trailer to John Travolta’s new movie, From Paris with Love.  Check out his face.  This has shades of his performance in Face/Off all over it. That’s not a good thing.

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Ok, let me talk a moment about a good movie.  I watched (500) Days of Summer the other night and thought it was just awesome.  It’s billed as a romantic comedy, but this isn’t your typical Sandra Bullock or Kate Hudson fluff.  This movie is funny, very clever and bends the genre to a place that sorta makes it another genre.  The lead performances are great.  Zooey Deschanel and Joseph Gordon-Levitt have the type of chemistry that you only see every so often in movies nowadays.  It’s a throw back in that sense, but everything in this movie is done in ways I have never seen done before so it’s the furthest thing from a throw back.  I think the movie I can most easily compare it to is Annie Hall.  They are both about the same thing really; but both stories are told in a really unorthodox way.  Like Annie Hall, it’s the story of a relationship between a guy and a girl that ultimately doesn’t work out.  Anyone who has been in one can relate to this.  (500) Days of Summer is told from the guy’s perspective; it really takes place in his memory.  We get the entire duration of the relationship from when they meet, hookup, breakup and the getting over it phase.  What’s so cool is that it’s not told chronologically.  When thinking back on a past relationship your mind will usually jump around.  You think about some good times, then some bad and often not in any kind of order.  That’s how director Marc Webb tells this story.  He also uses… I don’t want to say gimmicks because that implies that it’s bad; I’ll call them techniques, to really capture what is going on in the character’s head and what they are feeling during certain points of this relationship.  I don’t want to give too much away, but there is an imaginary musical number in this movie that is absolutely hilarious.

How this movie didn’t get nominated for more in the comedy categories for the Golden Globes is beyond me, especially after seeing who and what was nominated.  This movie immediately jumps in to my top 5 of the year and is really going to give the top spot a run for its money.  It’ll be one of those movies that will have real staying power.  It’s going to get bigger as time goes on as it is very rewatchable.  I can’t wait to see it again. 

P.S.

I didn’t list this movie as one I thought would compete for my top 5 list in the 12/23/09 post, I guess I was wrong.  I did list District 9 which I watched the other night.  That will not be making it.  It was good, but different than I expected and not in a good way.  It starts out as a very interesting and unique sci-fi flick and eventually ends up as your run of the mill action movie complete with a hokey buddy relationship and an, “I won’t leave without you” moment .  It’s a solid B, but nothing to get too excited about.  It’s a little overrated in my opinion.  It’s not nearly as overrated as Public Enemies though. Not sure why I am mentioning this because I didn’t have high expectations to start with.   That movie got solid love from critics and audiences over the summer.  I don’t see why.  Not that it’s bad, it’s just very average.  I have never been a fan of the director Michael Mann.  If you like his stuff maybe you should see it anyway.  I also had Avatar on that list.  I still want to see it, but can probably cross it off.  From how everyone describes it, I’m not going to like it.  We’ll see though. I guess what I am saying is that I’ll end up with a solid top 10 rather just a top 5, but at this time it’s all influx.

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So I have been on a movie kick on this site for a little bit.  There has just been a lot out on DVD and in the theater.  The holidays gave me some time to catch up on my watching and I wanted to talk about them.  So if the movie stuff bores you, don’t worry.  I’ll be getting back to other stuff soon enough.  I hope 2010 is treating you well so far.  Later.