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I’ve been a little busy lately so I haven’t had a chance to update my blog.  For the off chance that anyone is randomly going to it without me sending updates, I thought it would be a good idea to add some content.  I also had an idea that since I have so much old stuff that I have written in the past that I never showed anyone, I can post it now.  I used to write a ton of poems.  This first one here was written I am guessing in 2002 during a long stretch of being unemployed.  I have a lot from that period of time.  It’s called A Girl Like You.  To be honest, I don’t even think I was writing about anyone in particular.  I just thought it was a funny idea.  Anyway, it’s pretty much point less, but hopefully it’ll make you giggle.

A Girl Like You

If I ever had a chance to meet a girl like you

I would finally learn how to tie my shoe.

I would learn how to drive bus

And I would name my first daughter Gus.

I would stop spray-painting bad words on buildings and cars

And I would stop faking seizures while at the bars.

If I could ever have a chance to talk to a girl like you

I would start taking bubble baths in Mountain Dew.

I would throw away my favorite socks

I would have surgery to make my ears bigger than Dr. Spok’s .

For a girl like you I would wear a tight, ribbed turtle-neck

Get a job and stop collecting unemployment checks.

I may even start exercising a little bit

And stop reading Playboy while I’m taking a shit.

I would shave weird twisty designs on the side of my head

Join the circus and change my name to Milk Bone Fred

I would dance in a jar of pickles all day

But I might start doing that anyway.

Meeting a girl like you would make me a new man.

For you I would get into a fight with Jackie Chan.

I would start wearing one of those ear pieces that connects to my cell phone

And I would start wearing Listerine instead of your basic cologne

I’ll ask a flamingo if he’ll teach me how to fly

Then I’ll go to church wearing nothing but a bow tie

I don’t get chances to meet girls like you very often

But next time I do I’ll take her hand then we’ll marry down in Laughlin

I guess you’re a girl like you; have any plans for this Sunday?

Well I guess if you’re busy we could…hey wait…why are you running away?

I guess she was in a hurry…she took off in such a blur.

But boy what I wouldn’t do, to meet a girl like her.

There probably should be more foreign language movies on my list.  I have seen a ton that I really like, but I think that I am such a slow reader that it hinders my experience a little bit.  Also, I am about to go back and watch and re-watch some of the classics.   I’ve seen most of the major Bergman and Kurosawa movies, but I haven’t seen enough of Fellini and Truffaut. Anyway, there are a few that did make my list and the funny thing is two of them are from South America.  I don’t know why that’s funny; maybe it’s because I was just name dropping directors that movie snobs name drop from the other side of one of the ponds.

The Motorcycle Diaries is the story of a road trip Ernesto Guevara (before he became Che) goes on with his friend Alberto from Argentina to Peru in the early 1950’s.  What was initially supposed to be a wild trip for the two young med school students to sew their oats became a time of realization and self exploration, most notably for Guevara.  Along the journey they see poverty and oppressive governments along South America and this according to the actual diaries in which the film was based; is what would turn Ernesto Guevara in to Ernesto Che Guevara. Read the rest of this entry »

After a brutal performance that was so bad it actually ruined the otherwise great Godfather Part 3 for some people; Sophia Coppola solidified that she is a very talented writer and director with Lost in Translation.  This was her follow up to the surprisingly good Virgin Suicides and she showed growth and development in every way.  I usually don’t expect much from the offspring of great artists, but Sophia did Daddy proud.  Not to be lost in my gushing over Sophia here are the spectacular performances by Bill Murray and Scarlett Johansson.  Murray resurrected his career with an outstanding performance in Rushmore and showed that it was no fluke in this movie.  He’s always been hilarious, but as he’s gotten older he’s been able to add layers to the roles he plays that weren’t there before.  Johansson toiled around as a child actress for years in movies like North and Home Alone 3 before scoring a nice part in the underrated Ghost World which is probably eventually landed her this role. Read the rest of this entry »

As a follow up to yesterday’s post, I can’t wait until we hear Joaquin Phoenix using rap slang in interviews.  He already said “hip hop heads” in one interview.  Wait until he starts calling things fly or whack.  It’ll be hilarious coming out of his mouth.

Interviewer:  So when does your first tour start?  Are you excited?

Joaquin Phoenix:  Word up!  It’s gonna be dope.  We’re fixin to get started the the first of next month.  Gonna hit up all the fly clubs.  Those crowds are gonna be hype!

It’s just unreal.  Also, what’s his rap name going to be?  MC Joaquin has a nice ring to it, but it’s not that original.  Is he going to be old school or rap like the new guys?  He’s 34, not exactly the age of up and coming rappers.  Anyway – I was just thinking about this on my way to work today and couldn’t stop laughing about it.

So I have received a couple of emails calling the 1/22/09 post about my TV show idea sexist and demeaning.  I really couldn’t disagree more, but because I am all about freedom of speech and opinion I will let you know what the disgruntled ladies had to say…

“Women have been trivialized and made in to sex objects in almost every form of entertainment and now you want to do it to cooking shows too.  Next thing you are going to want to do is have the women on The View come out topless and in g-strings.  You are just like every other man who keeps his brain in his pants rather than his head.  You want to toss a young woman in a tank of water with no use of her legs?  What kind of a sick man are you?”

-Janet

Norristown, Pennsylvania.

Thank you for your email Janet.  The first thing I can tell you is that the last thing I want to see are any of the women from The View in any way except for completely covered by clothes.  You are correct; the woman in the water tank would have no use of her legs.  She’d be dressed like a mermaid so how could she?  But there would be no lid on the tank or anything; I would just get one of my girls who is a strong enough swimmer to tread water for a half hour with her arms.  She’d be fine.

“Why are men never objectified on television like this?  It’s always the women who are trotted out in front of the camera in skimpy outfits and never the men.  Why don’t you do the show in a thong if you are going to have the women in little bikinis? “

-Lisa

Fairfield, Ohio

You are clearly missing my point and intentions here Lisa, but thank you very much for the email.  Look, you don’t want to see me in a thong.  No one does.  Have you ever seen your grandfather in a thong?  It wouldn’t be all that different.  Now I would have absolutely no problem if you wanted to start a cooking show where you cooked and had some young strapping men shirtless and in some Chip n’ Dale dancer type outfit to assist you.  Feel free and all power to you.  I don’t think there is a man out there that will care or be offended.  Here’s the thing.  Men in general are more perverted than women.  I’m not saying this is always the case, but it is usually the case.  That’s why there are more nudie magazines with women posing than men, more strip clubs with women stripping than men and more television with scantily clad women then scantily clad men.  It’s just the way it is.

In short, this show would be done in a tasteful manner and there is no reason for anyone to be offended by it.  I am still looking for someone to finance this, so if you know anyone please let me know. Read the rest of this entry »